


Twelfth Troll Night

by Eclaire-de-Lune (RoyalHeather)



Series: Shakespearestuck [4]
Category: Homestuck, Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: Comedy of Errors, Crossdressing, F/F, F/M, Gaslighting, M/M, Mistaken Identity, Romantic Comedy, because let's face it that's exactly what happens to malvolio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-08-08
Packaged: 2018-01-26 05:29:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 16,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1676462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalHeather/pseuds/Eclaire-de-Lune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of Shakespeare's most well-known romantic comedies, now with 1200% more trolls and 200% more homoeroticism.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Cast

[NAMES OF THE ACTORS

VIOLA, sister of Sebastian [TT]  
SEBASTIAN, brother of Viola [TG]  
ANTONIO, a sea captain, friend to Sebastian [TA]  
A SEA CAPTAIN, friend to Viola [GA]

ORSINO, Duke of Illyria [CA]  
VALENTINE, a gentletroll attending on the duke [AC]  
CURIO, a gentletroll attending on the duke [AG]

OLIVIA, a countess [AA]  
MARIA, Olivia’s gentletroll in waiting [CC]  
SIR TOBY BELCH, Olivia’s kinstroll [CG]  
SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK [AT]  
MALVOLIO, steward to Olivia [CT]  
FABIAN, servant to Olivia [GC]  
FESTE, Olivia’s jester [TC]

LORDS, A PRIEST, SAILORS, OFFICERS, MUSICIANS, AND ATTENDANTS

SCENE: Illyria]


	2. Act I, Scene 1

I.1 Enter  Orsino Duke of Illyria [CA],  Curio [AG], and other Lords with Musicians.

CA: if music be the food a lovve play on  
CA: keep playin until im sick to death a it i wwant to drowwn in music  
CA: yeah that bit there play it again it wwas really sweet  
CA: no wwait stop thats too much  
CA: uugghhhhhh  
CA: see this is wwhat bein in lovves like  
CA: the thing that delights you one minute makes you all green to your gills the next  
CA: nothin compares to lovve  
AG: I know what'd cheer you up! Why don't you go hunting?  
CA: wwhat wwould i hunt  
AG: The hart?  
CA: see thats exactly wwhat im doin  
CA: huntin the heart of the noble olivvia   
CA: wwhen i first saww her i thought she purged the air a pestilence  
Enter Valentino [AC].  
CA: howw noww wwhat newws from her  
AC: :33 < ummmm  
AC: :33 < she wouldn’t actually s33 me  
AC: :33 < in fact she says that for the next seven years shes going to k33p her face veiled beclaws of her brothers death  
CA: see noww thats loyalty  
CA: imagine wwhat itll be like wwhen she lovves me an no one else  
CA: im goin to the garden to think about lovve some more

Exeunt.


	3. Act I, Scene 2

I.2 Enter  Viola [TT], a Captain [GA],  and Sailors.

TT: What country is this?   
GA: Illyria   
TT: And what am I supposed to do in Illyria? My brother is dead.    
TT: Maybe there’s a chance he’s not drowned?   
GA: It Was Mostly By Chance That We Are Alive   
TT: Well, then, maybe he survived too!   
GA: Take Comfort   
GA: When The Ship Was Going Down I Am Sure I Saw Him Holding On To One Of The Masts So That He Might Stay Above The Waves As Long As Possible   
GA: So I Think He Has A Very Good Chance Of Being Saved   
TT: Thank you for saying that… Do you know this country well?   
GA: As A Matter Of Fact I Was Bred And Born Not Three Hours Travel From This Place   
TT: Well, that’s awfully convenient. Who governs here?   
GA: A Noble Duke Named Orsino   
TT: Orsino. I’ve heard my father talk about him – he was always very keen to emphasize the fact that he was a bachelor, or at least, back then he was.   
GA: He Still Is Now   
GA: The General Consensus Among The Rumor Mill Is That He Seeks The Love Of Fair Olivia   
TT: Who’s she?   
GA: A Virtuous Maid Whose Father Died A Year Ago And Whose Brother Has Also Recently Died   
GA: Since Then She Has Forsworn The Sight Of Men   
TT: I wish I served her, and didn’t have to deal with the world until I’ve figured out what the heck I’m doing with myself.   
GA: That Might Be Hard To Do Since She Will Not Talk To Anyone Not Already In Her Household   
TT: Well, fine. Guess I’ll serve Orsino instead, then.   
TT: Captain, you seem to be a troll of fair behavior and beauteous character. Help me disguise myself as a eunuch so I can work for Orsino as a singer and I’ll reward you fair and square – but you have to promise not to tell anyone who I really am. Capisce?    
GA: I Promise Not To Reveal Your Secret   
TT: You are a true and valiant friend. Lead on.

Exeunt.


	4. Act I, Scene 3

I.3 Enter  Sir Toby [CG]  and Maria [CC].

CG: WHY IN THE PLAGUE-SPOTTED FUCK IS MY NIECE MOURNING HER BROTHER LIKE THIS. I MEAN OKAY, A MONTH, TWO MONTHS, YOU’RE SAD, I GET IT. BUT THIS IS GETTING FUCKING EXCESSIVE. SHE’S GOING TO MAKE HERSELF SICK LIKE THIS.   
CC: Sir Toby, you )(ave GOT to stop coming )(ome so late! >38(  
CC: It’s reelly annoying my lady.  
CG: WELL, FUCK HER.  
CC: Toby!  
CC: At least TRY to be decent?  
CG: I AM FUCKING DECENT. LOOK AT ME, I GOT MY DECENT CLOTHES ON, MY DECENT BOOTS, MY –  
CC: You’re DRUNK. >38(   
CG: YEAH. SO?  
CC: So you’re going to kill yourself wit)( all of t)(is! Even Lady Olivia said so!   
CC: She doesn’t t)(ink muc)( of t)(at dumb knig)(t you keep bringing around, eit)(er.   
CG: WHO? SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK?  
CC: Yea)(, )(im.   
CG: HE’S AS TALL A TROLL AS ANY’S IN ILLYRIA.  
CC: So w)(at?  
CG: SO HE HAS THREE THOUSAND DUCATS A YEAR.  
CC: And )(e’ll only )(ave t)(em for a year at t)(e rate )(e spends t)(em. )(e’s a reel idiot.  
CG: FIE ON YOU THAT SAY SO. HE PLAYS THE GODDAMN VIOLIN, HE SPEAKS A FUCKTON OF LANGUAGES AND HE DOESN’T EVEN NEED A GODDAMN BOOK, HE’S GOT ALL OF NATURE’S BEST FUCKING GIFTS –  
CG: THAT WAS INNUENDO, BY THE WAY.  
CG: THAT WAS A DICK JOKE.  
CG: I MEAN I’VE NEVER SEEN HIS SCHLONG BUT I’M SURE IT’S –  
CC: O)( yea)(, )(e sounds GR-EAT. 38|  
CC: T)(e only natural gift )(e’s got is )(is idiocy! Plus )(e’s a great quarreler and t)(e only reason )(e )(asn’t been krilled in a fig)(t is because )(e runs away from every conflict )(e’s in!  
CG: WHAT.  
CG: THOSE FUCKING BASTARDS, WHO SAYS THAT.  
CC: T)(e same people w)(o say )(e gets drunk wit)( you every nig)(t.  
CG: WE’RE JUST DRINKING HEALTHS TO MY NIECE. I’LL DRINK TO HER AS LONG AS THERE’S DRINK IN ILLYRIA AND A FUCKING OPEN ALCOHOL-RECEIVING SHUTE IN MY THROAT.   
CG: ANYONE WHO DOESN’T DRINK TO MY NIECE UNTIL HIS BRAINS ARE SWIRLING AROUND IN HIS HEAD LIKE SOMEONE FLUSHED A PACK OF WEASELS DOWN THE TOILET IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND DESERVES TO BE DRAGGED BEHIND A MERRY-GO-ROUND UNTIL HIS BRAINS DRIBBLE OUT OF HIS EARS.  
CC: >38(  
CG: DON’T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.  
CG: SPEAK OF THE FUCKING DEVIL, IT’S SIR ANDREW.  
Enter Sir Andrew [AT].  
AT: hEY, sIR tOBY,,  
AT: hOW’S IT GOING?  
CG: IT IS GOING FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.   
AT: hI, FAIR SHREW,  
CC: Well, s)(ello to you too. 38P  
CG: FUCKING HIT ON HER.  
AT: uHH, wHAT?   
CG: MY NIECE’S CHAMBERMAID.  
AT: hI, mISTRESS hIT-ON-HER –  
CC: My name’s Maria.  
AT: oH, sORRY, mISTRESS mARIA hIT-ON-HER –  
CG: I MEANT ACTUALLY FUCKING HIT ON HER, YOU DUMB SHITSTICK, IT’S NOT HER FUCKING *NAME*.  
AT: i, uH, dON’T WANT TO DO THAT,  
CC: Fare you well, gentletrolls.  
CG: WAIT WAIT WAIT, ANDREW, YOU FUCKTRUMPET, YOU CAN’T LET HER GO LIKE THIS, OR YOU SHOULD NEVER DRAW YOUR SWORD AGAIN.  
AT: aW, dON’T LEAVE, mISTRESS,  
AT: dO YOU THINK YOU HAVE A COUPLE OF FOOLS IN HAND?  
CC: Sir, I )(ave you not by the )(and.   
AT: dO YOU, uHH, wANT TO?  
CC: Not reelly. 38P  
CC: Take your )(and to the bar and let it drink.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN.   
CC: It’s dry.   
AT: wELL, i THINK, i CAN KEEP MY HANDS DRY AT LEAST,  
AT: bUT WHAT’S THE JOKE,  
CC: It’s dry )(umor.   
AT: oH, i SEE,  
CC: Yea)(, I’m just BUBBLING WIT)( IT. But I’m going now, and – w)(oops! I’m leaving all the jokes be)(ind!  
Exit.  
CG: SIDESPLITTING FUCKROCKS, YOU NEED A DRINK AFTER A REJECTION LIKE THAT.   
AT: yEAHHH, i THINK i DO,   
AT: i DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME,  
AT: i MEAN, i KNOW i’M NOT THE SMARTEST TROLL, bUT,  
AT: uHHH,  
AT: i’M GOOD AT EATING BEEF,   
AT: mAYBE THAT’S WHY i’M NOT VERY SMART,  
CG: OH YEAH, THAT’LL DO IT.   
AT: eXCEPT, iF i ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT, i’D STOP EATING MEAT,,  
AT: oH, BY THE WAY, i’M LEAVING TOMORROW,  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK FOR?  
AT: i DON’T THINK YOUR NIECE LIKES ME, vERY MUCH,,  
AT: sHE WON’T EVEN TALK TO ME, aND BESIDES, i’VE GOT THE COUNT, fOR COMPETITION,,  
CG: YEAH, BUT SHE FUCKING HATES HIS GUTS. YOU’VE STILL GOT A CHANCE.  
AT: wELL, mAYBE i’LL STAY A LITTLE LONGER,  
AT: i HOPE THERE’S A PARTY, oR SOMETHING,  
CG: DON’T TELL ME YOU’RE GOOD AT DANCING.  
AT: oHHH, bRO, yOU HAVE NOT SEEN MY SICK MOVES YET,  
AT: tHEY ARE THE ILLEST, iN iLLYRIA,  
AT: }:)  
CG: GOOD GOD, YOU’RE A TWAT.

Exeunt.


	5. Act I, Scene 4

I.4 Enter Valentine [AC] and Viola [TT]  in man’s attire.

AC: :33 < *valentine thinks that the duke is behaving pawfully nice towards cesario!*  
AC: :33 < purretty soon he’s going to give you a promotion!  
TT: You either fear his humor or my negligence, that you call in question the continuance of his love. Is he inconstant in his favors?  
AC: :33 < um no, not really  
Enter Duke [CA], Curio [AG],  and Attendants.  
CA: wwhere the fuck is cesario  
TT: Right here, my lord.  
CA: all a you stand ovver there  
CA: no farther  
CA: ces  
TT: Yes, sir.  
CA: ivve told you howw much i lovve the lady olivvia  
CA: i wwant you to go an wwoo her for me  
CA: if they dont let you in just stand at the doors until they do  
TT: I don’t think that’s going to work.  
CA: ah wwell  
CA: do wwhatever you havve to  
CA: i mean dont let common courtesy get in your wway its better to break a feww social niceties an get a result than nevver get anywwhere at all  
TT: Supposing I do speak with her, what then?  
CA: then unfold the passion a my lovve  
CA: i got a feelin shell listen to you  
CA: youvve got a kind a feminine air to you  
TT: Do – do I?  
CA: yeah i mean your lips are all smooth an red and your voice is pretty high pitched  
CA: you just kind a look like a girl  
CA: so maybe olivvia wwill be more wwilling to listen to you  
CA: evveryone go accompany him to the countess i wwant to be alone  
CA: hey ces  
CA: good luck   
TT: I’ll do my best to “wwoo” your lady. 

Exeunt.


	6. Act I, Scene 5

I.5 Enter  Maria [CC]  and  Feste [TC].

CC: --Eit)(er tell me w)(ere you’ve been or I’ll clam up and won’t say a WORD of defense for you to my lady!  
CC: Maybe she’ll even )(ang you for your absence.  
TC: awWwWw ShIt SiStEr ThAt AiN’t No WaY tO tReAt A gUy JuSt fOr GeTtInG hIs WaNdEr Up AnD oN.  
TC: BeSiDeS, i’M aLrEaDy WeLl-HuNg.  
TC: ;o) hOnK  
CC: You watc)( your language.   
TC: :o) hOnK hOnK hOnK  
CC: Yea)(, yea)(, you big silly. All t)(is brave talk, and you’re still just a fool.  
TC: We AlL gOt OuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg GiFtS, dOn’T wE? wE jUsT gOt To UsE tHeM wHeRe ThEy’Re BeSt.  
CC: My lady’s still going to be reelly mad at you, you know. –Even if s)(e doesn’t )(ang you, s)(e’ll still kick you out.  
TC: nAhHh ShE wOn’T dO nEiThEr.  
TC: bEsIdEs I dOn’T mInD bEiNg OuT-oF-DoOrS iN sUmMeR.  
CC: Are you s)(ore?  
TC: eHhHhH, wHo KnOwS.  
TC: I jUsT gO wHeRe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg WiNd Is BlOwInG, yOu KnOw?  
CC: Just don’t do any blowing yourshelf. 38D  
TC: hEyYyY tHaT’s PrEtTy MoThErFuCkInG fUnNy. :oD  
CC: glub! 38D  
TC: YoU’d Be ThE fUnNiEsT mOtHeRfUcKeR iN iLlYrIa If OnLy SiR ToBy WoUlD sToP dRiNkInG.  
CC: O)(, )(us)( you.   
CC: )(ere comes my lady! I )(ope for your sake you )(ave a good excuse.  
Exit. Enter Lady Olivia [AA] with Malvolio [CT].  
TC: gOd BlEsS tHeE, lAdY. :o)  
AA: take the f00l away  
TC: AwW sHiT bRoS, tAkE aWaY tHe LaDy.  
AA: y0ure n0t funny  
AA: g0 away  
AA: besides y0uve g0tten really unreliable lately  
TC: tWo FaUlTs, MaDoNnA, tHaT dRiNk AnD gOoD cOuNsEl cAn MeNd. GiVe Me A dRiNk AnD yOu’Ll SeE hOw MoThErFuCkInG MiRtHfUl I cAn Be. :o)  
TC: AnD iF yOu GiVe A bAd MaN aDvIcE aNd He FoLlOwS iT tHeN hE’s NoT sUcH a BaD mOtHeRfUcKeR tHeN, Is He?   
TC: bEsIdEs We’Re aLl A mOtHeRfUcKiNg PaTcHwOrK, aReN’t We. aLl MoThErFuCkInG pIeCeS oF vIcE aNd ViRtUe AlL sTiTcHeD tOgEtHeR.  
TC: hEyY, tHe LaDy SaId TaKe ThE fOoL aWaY, sO mOtHeRfUcKiNg TaKe HeR uP aNd AwAy.  
AA: i bade them take y0u away  
TC: aW sHiT sIsTeR dOn’T yOu KnOw NoT tO jUdGe A bOoK bY iT’s CoVeR?  
TC: GoOd MaDoNnA, gIvE mE lEaVe To PrOvE yOu A fOoL.  
AA: can y0u d0 it  
TC: hElL yEaH i CaN.  
AA: g0 ahead  
AA: ive g0t n0thing better t0 d0  
TC: oKaY bUt YoU uP aNd GoTtA wOrK wItH mE a LiTtLe On ThIs OnE.   
TC: mY fInE mAdOnNa, wHaT’s GoT yOu AlL dOwN iN mOuRnInG?  
AA: my br0thers death  
TC: oH, iS hE iN hElL tHeN?  
AA: i kn0w his s0ul is in heaven  
TC: tHeN wHaT’s To Be AlL mOtHeRfUcKiNg SaD fOr If HiS sOuL’s In HeAvEn? sEeMs LiKe ThAt’S a PrEtTy FoOlIsH tHiNg To Do.  
TC: :o) HoNk  
AA: what d0 y0u think malv0lio  
AA: i think hes getting funnier  
CT: D --> I’m sure he will continue to get even funnier as he ages  
CT: D --> He will be much more a f001 when he’s old and demented  
TC: oH, wElL, mY fInE bRo, If ThAt’S tHe CaSe I hOpE yOu GeT fUnNy MoThErFuCkInG sOoN! :o)  
TC: eVeN sIr ToBy ThInKs YoU’rE a FoOl.  
AA: what d0 y0u say t0 that malv0li0  
CT: D --> It continues to e100d me why a woman of your class wastes her time with this barren rascal  
CT: D --> Just the other day I saw him defeated in a battle of wits by a common jester  
CT: D --> The only people who laugh at his jokes are ones with minds as low and pol100ted as his  
AA: 0h shut up malv0li0  
AA: if y0u werent s0 full 0f y0urself y0u w0uldnt mind what he says  
TC: hAhAhA aIn’T tHaT tHe MoThErFuCkInG tRuTh.  
Enter Maria [CC].  
CC: Ma’am, t)(ere’s a young gentleman at t)(e gate w)( wants to talk to you.  
AA: hes fr0m c0unt 0rsin0 isnt he  
CC: Probably, yea)(.   
AA: is any0ne there right n0w  
CC: Just Sir Toby.   
AA: 0h g0d  
AA: get t0by away fr0m him  
Exit Maria.  
AA: malv0li0 g0 see wh0 hes fr0m  
AA: if hes fr0m the c0unt im sick  
AA: 0r n0t at h0me  
Exit Malvolio.  
AA: see h0w ann0ying y0u are t0 pe0ple  
TC: sIsTeR i SuRe AiN’t ThE oNlY oNe.  
Enter Sir Toby [CG].  
AA: y0ure half drunk already  
AA: wh0s at the gate  
CG: SOME GENTLEMAN PRICK.  
AA: wh0 is he.  
CG: FUCK IF I KNOW. FUCKING HELL, I REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE EATEN THOSE PICKLED HERRINGS.  
CG: OH, LOOK WHO THE HELL IS. LOOK AT THIS POOR FUCKING SOT.  
TC: wHaAt Up, SiR tObY. :o)  
AA: h0w are y0u drunk this early in the m0rning  
CG: DRUNK? I’M NOT DRUNK.   
CG: OH YEAH, THERE’S SOME FUCKHEAD AT THE GATE.  
AA: 0_0  
AA: wh0 is he  
CG: HE COULD BE THE DEVIL AND I WOULDN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCKSHIT.   
Exit.  
AA: ugghhhh  
AA: g0 l00k after him and make sure he d0esnt fall in a well 0r s0mething  
TC: hAhAhA yOu’Re SeNdInG a FoOl To LoOk AfTeR a MaDmAn, ThAt’S mOtHeRfUcKiNg IrOnIc.  
Exit. Enter Malvolio [CT].  
CT: D --> Madam, the young man at the gate swears he will speak with you  
CT: D --> I tried to dissuade him, but to no avail  
AA: im n0t speaking t0 him  
CT: D --> He says he’ll stand at the gate until you do  
AA: what kind 0f man is he  
CT: D --> A human  
AA: h0w 0ld is he  
AA: what d0es he l00k like  
CT: D --> Not yet old enough for a man nor young enough for a boy  
CT: D --> One would think his mother’s milk was scarcely out of him  
AA: let him appr0ach  
AA: call in my gentlew0man  
CT: D --> Gentlewoman, my lady calls  
Exit. Enter Maria [CC].  
AA: give me my veil  
AA: i guess ill hear 0rsin0s embassy 0ne m0re time  
Enter Viola.  
TT: Which one of you is Lady Olivia?  
AA: speak t0 me  
AA: i will answer f0r her  
TT: Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty – I pray you tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her – I would be loath to cast away my speech.  
TT: After all, someone put a whole lot of effort into writing it.   
AA: where are y0u fr0m  
TT: I’m afraid I can’t say anything that’s not in my script, and that question’s not in it.   
AA: are y0u a c0median  
TT: No, and yet I confess I am not who I appear to be. Are you the lady of the house?  
AA: yes  
TT: Well then, I suppose I had better get on with what I’m supposed to say.  
AA: must y0u really  
TT: It’d be a shame not to, after I took such pains to study it. And it’s so poetical.   
AA: and pr0bably fake  
AA: i heard y0u were being rude at the gate  
AA: i 0nly let y0u in s0 y0u didnt b0ther my servants anym0re  
AA: just be brief  
AA: h0nestly it is the wr0ng time 0f m0nth t0 be b0thering me  
CC: Any time you’re ready to set sail t)(e door’s rig)(t )(ere.  
TT: No, this boat’s docking a little longer.   
AA: l00k just get t0 the p0int  
TT: I’m afraid it’s for your ears only. It’s sacred, a holy secret, not to be whispered to any common folk.  
AA: fine  
AA: give us the place al0ne  
Exit Maria.  
AA: all right  
AA: n0w what is it  
TT: Most sweet lady –  
AA: wheres y0ur script  
TT: In Orsino’s bosom.  
AA: 0h ive read it  
TT: Good madam, please let me see your face.  
AA: were y0u sent t0 neg0tiate with my face  
AA: y0ure n0t using y0ur script anym0re  
Unveils.  
AA: is it n0t well d0ne  
TT: Excellently done, if God and Nature did all.  
AA: i assure y0u this face will endure wind and weather  
TT: ‘Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and gray Nature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on. Lady, you are the cruelest she alive if you will lead these graces to the grave, and leave the world no copy.  
AA: d0nt w0rry  
AA: ill leave pieces 0f myself in my will  
AA: tw0 reddish lips  
AA: tw0 maroon eyes with lids  
AA: 0ne neck  
AA: 0ne chin  
AA: and s0 f0rth  
TT: See, your problem is that you’re too proud. If you could only see the way my master loved you! All your beauty could only repay that.  
AA: h0w d0es he l0ve me?  
TT: With adorations, fertile tears, with groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.  
AA: thats great f0r him but i cann0t l0ve him  
AA: rich and hands0me th0ugh he might be  
TT: If I loved you like my master did, I wouldn’t sit around and whine like he does.  
AA: what w0uld you d0  
TT: Build a willow cabin at your gate, and sing to you at all hours of night, and call your name over and over again until you pitied me. I would make sure you had the adoration you deserved, and not hide behind some messenger. Believe me, I have more game than that. I’d do the job myself.  
AA: what is y0ur parentage  
TT: Above my fortunes, yet my state is well. I am a gentleman.   
AA: g0 tell y0ur l0rd i cann0t l0ve him  
AA: and that he cant send any0ne m0re t0 me  
AA: unless its y0u  
AA: here take this  
TT: I’m no paid messenger, lady, keep your money. It’s my master who lacks recompense.   
TT: Farewell, fair cruelty.  
Exit.   
AA: 0h n0  
AA: n0 n0 n0 n0  
AA: st0p  
AA: i w0nt fall in l0ve  
AA: i w0nt  
AA: malv0li0  
Enter Malvolio [CT].  
CT: D --> Here, madam, at your service  
AA: g0 after that messenger the c0unt sent and give him this ring  
AA: he left it here  
AA: but i d0nt want it  
CT: D --> Madam, I will  
Exit.  
AA: well fuck everything

Exit.


	7. Act II, Scene 1

II.1 Enter Antonio [TA]  and Sebastian [TG].

TA: okay, even iif youre not goiing two 2tay any longer, at lea2t let me go wiith you.  
TG: no can do  
TG: see i got this dark cloud hanging over me  
TG: got this evil star following me around  
TG: can’t have all my bad mojo rubbing off on you and screwing with your fate  
TG: itd be a pretty poor way to repay you  
TG: for you know  
TG: everything  
TA: at lea2t let me know where youre goiing.  
TG: shit man i cant tell you what i dont even know  
TG: but uh  
TG: listen theres some stuff about me you gotta know  
TG: my names not actually roderigo  
TG: its sebastian  
TG: i had a twin sister but  
TG: she drowned in the same storm you rescued me from  
TA: iim 2orry.  
TG: yeah she was  
TG: she was a lot like me  
TG: looked like me  
TG: just not as pretty   
TG: i  
TG: uh  
TG: fuck  
TA: hey man iim 2orry about everythiing ii know iim a pretty 2hiitty ho2t.  
TG: no no no shhhhhhhh  
TG: you were great  
TG: i mean it was great  
TG: im just sorry to have been a bother  
TA: look ju2t let me go wiith you.  
TA: iill even be your 2ervant for god2 2ake ju2t let me 2tay by your 2iide.  
TG: tony stop youre gonna kill me  
TG: look i gotta go just  
TG: take care of yourself  
TG: im headed off to count orsinos court  
TG: see ya  
Exit.  
TA: or2iino2 court, fuck.   
TA: iit2 not like ii have a ton of enemiies there or anythiing.   
TA: the thiing2 ii do for love.

Exit.


	8. Act II, Scene 2

II.2 Enter Viola [TT] and Malvolio [CT]  at several doors.

CT: D --> Pardon me but  
CT: D --> Were you not even now with the Countess Olivia  
TT: I was. Why?  
CT: D --> She returns this ring to you, sir  
CT: D --> She also adds that you sh001d assure your lord that she will have none of him  
CT: D --> And that you should not come back e%ept to report his reaction  
CT: D --> Take the ring  
TT: She took it from me, I don’t want it.  
CT: D --> Take it  
TT: No.  
CT: D --> I insist you take it  
TT: I really don’t want it.  
CT: D --> Fine  
CT: D --> I will just  
CT: D--> Leave it here on the ground  
CT: D --> You can pick it up if you want  
Exit.  
TT: I… I never left a ring with the countess. I have no idea what she’s doing, unless –  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Ohhhhhhhh.  
TT: Oh, damn.   
TT: I bet she’s got a crush on me. That would explain the way she kept looking me over, and how distracted she was when she was talking – and why she won’t talk to Orsino but wants to speak to me again…  
TT: Poor lady, she might as well be in love with a dream.   
TT: Well, this is a mess. Orsino’s in love with her, she’s in love with me, and I… I think I’m falling for Orsino.   
TT: Even I couldn’t possibly untangle this.

Exit.


	9. Act II, Scene 3

II.3 Enter  Sir Toby [CG] and  Sir Andrew [AT].

CG: ANDREW.   
CG: ANDREW, GET THE FUCK OVER HERE.  
CG: YOU CAN’T SERIOUSLY BE WANTING TO GO TO BED, IT’S ONLY A BIT AFTER MIDNIGHT.  
AT: i’M, a LITTLE TIRED,  
CG: BULLSHIT.   
CG: YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT’S MORNING, AND YOU KNOW WHO’S TIRED IN THE MORNING? NO ONE.  
CG: IT’S HEALTHY TO GET UP IN THE MORNING, SOME LATIN DUDE WROTE IT DOWN IN A BOOK WHILE HE WAS FONDLING HIS GREASY BITS UNDER HIS TOGA.  
CG: AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS HEALTHY?  
AT: eATING, aND DRINKING,  
AT: }:)  
CG: MY GOD, YOU’RE A SALUBRATORY GENIUS.  
CG: MARIA! GET US SOME WINE!  
Enter Feste [TC].  
AT: hERE COMES, tHE FOOL,  
TC: wHaT uP, mY bRoThErS? :o)  
CG: HEY, ASSHOLE. SING SOMETHING FOR US.  
AT: oOOOH, hE SINGS REALLY WELL,,  
AT: i WISH i COULD SING LIKE THAT,  
CG: HERE’S SIXPENCE. COME ON, SING SOMETHING.  
AT: i HAVE, sOME MONEY TOO,  
TC: aRe YoU aLl Up AnD wAnTiNg A mOtHeRfUcKiNg LoVe SoNg, Or A sOnG oF bItChTiTs GoOd LiViNg?  
CG: A LOVE SONG.  
AT: yEAH, i AGREE,  
TC: O mIsTrEsS mInE, wHeRe ArE yOu RoAmIng?  
TC: O, sTaY aNd HeAr! YoUr TrUeLoVe’S cOmInG,  
TC: tHaT cAn SiNg BoTh HiGh AnD lOw.  
TC: TrIp No FuRtHeR, pReTtY sWeEtInG;  
TC: jOuRnEyS eNd In LoVeRs MeEtInG,  
TC: eVeRy WiSe MaN’s SoN dOtH kNoW.  
AT: i LIKE THAT ONE,  
CG: ME TOO. I MEAN, IT’S ALL RIGHT.  
TC: wHaT iS lOvE? ‘tIs NoT hErEaFtEr;  
TC: PrEsEnT mIrTh HaTh PrEsEnT lAuGhTeR;  
TC: wHaT’s To CoMe Is StIlL uNsUrE:  
TC: iN dElAy ThErE lIeS nO pLeNtY;  
TC: tHeN cOmE kIsS mE, sWeEt AnD tWeNtY,  
TC: yOuTh’S a StUfF wIlL nOt EnDuRe.  
AT: tHAT ONE’S, sAD, }:(  
CG: KIND OF. I MEAN NOT REALLY. I DON’T KNOW.  
CG: DON’T LOOK AT ME, YOU SHITWIPE.  
CG: COME ON, LET’S SING SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE UPBEAT. IF I’M GOING TO GET DRUNK AT ONE IN THE MORNING IT HAD BETTER BE FUCKING WORTH IT, I DON’T WANT TO BE SITTING HERE IN THE DARK CRYING INTO MY WINE LIKE SOME SORRY GRUBLOAF FARMER WHOSE WIFE LEFT WITH THE CARRIAGE AND FOUR-LEGGED BARKBEAST.   
AT: yES, lET’S DO THAT!,  
TC: aWwW hElL yEaH, bRo, NoW wE’rE tAlKiNg. :oD  
Song played. Enter Maria [CC].  
CC: W)(at t)(e GLUB are you t)(ree DOING???  
CC: You watc)(, my lady’s going to call Malvolio to tuna you all out-of-doors!!!!  
CG: BAHHH, FUCK HIM.   
CG: THREE MERRY MEN BE WE, AND – SOMETHING SOMETHING, FUCK.  
TC: wElL mOtHeRfUcK dUdE, yOu’D mAkE oNe HeLl Of A fOoL.  
AT: hAHAHA, yEAH, hE WOULD,  
AT: aLTHOUGH i THINK, i’M A MORE NATURAL FOOL,  
AT: wAIT A MINUTE,,  
CG: ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME –  
CC: Will you S)(UT T)(----E GLUB UP???  
Enter Malvolio [CT].  
CT: D --> Have you all lost your minds  
CT: D --> What is this gross and 100dicrous horseplay at this time of neight  
CT: D --> Does this 100k like an alehouse to you  
CT: D --> Do you have any respect for the people who live here  
CG: YEAH, THE TIME IS HALF-PAST GO FUCK YOURSELF.  
CT: D --> Sir Toby  
CT: D --> I fear I must reprimand you   
CT: D --> My lady says that although you are her kinsman she will not tolerate your cavorting anymore  
CT: D --> If you can divorce yourself from this disreputable behoovior you can stay   
CT: D --> But either your or these antics must immediately desist  
CG: FAREWELLLL, DEAR HEART, SINCE I MUST NEEDS BE GONE.  
CC: Sir Toby, singing R--E--ELLY isn’t helping. 38/  
TC: HiS eYeS dO sHoW hIs DaYs ArE aLmOsT dOnE.  
TC: :o) hOnK.  
CT: D --> I don’t appreciate this  
CG: BUT IIIIIII WILL NEVER DIIIIE.  
TC: SiR ToBy, ThErE yOu LiE.  
CG: SHAALLLL I BID HIM GOOO?  
TC: wHaT aNd If YoU dO?  
CG: SHAALLL I BID HIM GOOO, AAAND SPARE NOT?  
TC: oH, nO, nO, nO, nO, yOu DaRe NoT!  
CG: MALVOLIO, YOU ARE BLUEFACED FUCKBLOODED HORSESHIT WITH A TWELVE-MILE POLE UP YOUR ASS WHO GETS YOUR JOLLIES OFF BY BARGING IN AND RUINING EVERYONE’S FUCKING PARTY AND IF YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO FUCKING UPTIGHT TO ENJOY A FEW SIMPLE PLEASURES OF LIFE THAT YOU CAN KEEP THE REST OF US FROM HAVING FUN THEN I AM GOING TO STICK A CLARINET IN YOUR ASS AND BLOW UNTIL ALL THE SHIT IS CLEARED THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.   
TC: :o) hOnK.  
CG: GO RUB YOUR CHAIN WITH CRUMBS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS.  
CG: MARIA, GET ME SOME WINE.  
CT: D --> Mistress Mary  
CT: D --> If you va100d my lady’s favor at anything more than contempt, you w001d not allow this  
CC: Go s)(ake your ---EARS!!!  
Exit Malvolio.  
CG: GO SHAKE YOUR EARS? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF INSULT IS THAT?  
CC: I don’t know. 38P  
AT: i DON’T, lIKE THAT GUY,  
AT: i SHOULD CHALLENGE HIM TO A DUEL, aND THEN NOT SHOW UP,  
AT: tHAT’LL SHOW HIM,  
CG: I’LL WRITE THE CHALLENGE.  
CC: Wait wait wait, Toby. Don’t do anyt)(ing tonight; my lady’s been upset ever since t)(at boy from t)(e count came around. And as for Malvolio –  
CC: Leave )(im to me. 38)  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?  
CC: O)(, naut muc)(. Just write some love letters t)(at talk about t)(e color of )(is )(air, t)(e s)(ape of )(is leg, t)(e manner of )(is gait, t)(e expression of )(is eyes, so t)(at )(e’s S)(OR-E it’s about )(im. And, you know, I’m reelly good at impersonating my lady’s )(andwriting…  
CG: I THINK I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.  
AT: i DON’T,,  
CG: HE’S GOING TO THINK THAT ALL THESE MUSHY LOVE NOTES COME FROM MY NIECE, AND THAT SHE’S IN LOVE WITH HIM.  
CC: ---EXACTLY. 38)  
AT: yES, i APPROVE,  
AT: tHAT WILL MOST DEFINITELY, hUMILIATE HIM,  
CC: If it doesn’t work, I’m a guppy. I’ll )(ide you two, and the fool, w)(ere )(e’ll find the letter, so you can see )(is reaction.  
CC: And now for tonig)(t, to bed, and dream on t)( event. Farewell. 38)  
Exit.  
CG: GOOD NIGHT, QUEEN OF THE AMAZONS.  
AT: };)  
CG: WHAT.  
AT: yOU, lIIIIIIIKE HER,  
CG: SHUT UP.  
AT: yOU DO!,  
CG: I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
AT: i WAS ADORED ONCE, tOO,,  
AT: }:(  
CG: COME ON, LET’S GO TO BED.  
AT: i NEED, mORE MONEY,  
CG: I’LL GET YOU SOME. COME ON, FUCKFACE. BEDTIME.

Exeunt. 


	10. Act II, Scene 4

II.4 Enter Duke [CA], Viola [TT],  Curio [AG], and others.

CA: givve me some music  
CA: i wwant that song wwe heard last night again  
CA: i liked that one  
AG: The guy that sang it last night isn’t here.  
CA: wwho wwas it  
AG: That idiot Feste, the fool that Lady Olivia’s dad really liked. He’s hanging around the house somewhere.  
CA: wwell bring him in  
Exit Curio.   
CA: hey ces come here  
CA: if evver you lovve someone remember me  
CA: im wwhat evvery true lovver should be like  
CA: unstaid and skittish in all motions else savve in the constant image a the creature that is beloved  
TT: It gives a very echo to the seat where Love is throned.  
CA: yeah like that  
CA: you knoww wwhat i bet youre in lovve wwith someone right noww  
CA: you are arent you  
TT: A little.  
CA: i fuckin kneww it  
CA: wwhats she like  
TT: Of your complexion.   
CA: haha she must be smokin then  
CA: howw old is she  
TT: About your age.  
CA: are you kiddin thats too old for you  
CA: wwomen should marry men older than them that wway the men wwont get tired a them before as quickly  
CA: wwomen are like roses theyre pretty for a bit an then they fade  
CA: i mean thats just the wway it is wwomen dont age as wwell as us men  
CA: so marry a wwoman younger than you then you wwont havve to deal wwith her agin as much  
TT: I will strive to do precisely that.  
CA: good lad  
Enter Curio [AG] and Feste [TC].  
CA: clowwn come here an play the song you did last night  
CA: ces i wwant you to listen closely  
CA: its an old song  
CA: maids an spinsters used to sing it durin their weaving  
TC: aRe YoU aLl WaNtInG mE tO sTaRt?  
CA: yeah thatd be great  
TC: cOmE aWaY, cOmE aWaY, dEaTh,  
TC: AnD iN sAd CyPrEsS lEt Me Be LaId.  
TC: FlY aWaY, fLy AwAy, BrEaTh;  
TC: I aM sLaIn By A fAiR cRuEl MaId.  
TC: My ShRoUd Of WhItE, sTuCk AlL wItH yEw,  
TC: O, pRePaRe It.  
TC: My PaRt Of DeAtH, nO oNe So TrUe  
TC: DiD sHaRe It.  
CA: that wwas great  
CA: heres some money  
TC: nAh, BrO, kEeP iT. i AiN’t SiNgInG fOr ThE dImE.  
CA: suit yourself  
TC: aLwAyS mOtHeRfUcKiNg Do. ;o)  
Exit.  
CA: evveryone else leavve us  
Exeunt Curio and Attendants.   
CA: go back to olivvia   
CA: tell her i lovve her more than all the treasures in the wworld an that shes more precious to me than any gem  
TT: But what if she cannot love you, sir?  
CA: i cannot so be answwered  
TT: Yes, but you must.  
TT: Suppose there was some lady – which there might be – who loves you as much as you love Olivia. You cannot love her. You tell her so. Must she not be satisfied with that?  
CA: no wwoman can lovve the wway i do  
CA: no wwomans heart can beat as strongly as mine or hold as much passion  
CA: their lovve is just a wwhim a appetite wwhile mine is as all devouring as the sea  
CA: make no compare betwween the lovve that a wwoman can bear me an the lovve that i owwe olivvia  
TT: Yes, but I know –  
CA: wwhat do you know  
TT: Too well what love women to men may owe – they are as true of heart as we are.  
TT: My father had a daughter who loved a man, the way I might, if I were a woman, love your lordship.  
CA: wwhat happened to her  
TT: Nothing.  
TT: She never told her love, but let concealment, like a worm in the bud, feed on her heart, and pined away. Wasn’t this love?  
TT: Men may say more, swear more, but our shows are all just swagger and bravado. We prove much in our vows, but little in our love.  
CA: but did your sister die a her lovve  
TT: I am all the daughters of my father’s house, and all the brothers too, and yet I know not.  
TT: Do you still want me to go to Olivia?  
CA: yes yes yes  
CA: go quickly  
CA: givve her this jewel  
CA: say my lovve will not yield an accept no denial

Exeunt.


	11. Act II, Scene 5

II.5 Enter  Sir Toby [CG],  Sir Andrew [AT], and Fabian [GC].

CG: HEY FABIAN, HURRY UP.  
GC: COM1NG!  
GC: 1 WOULD N3V34 M1SS 4 SP3T4CLE SUCH 4S TH1S >:D  
CG: YEAH, I FIGURED YOU’D WANT TO SEE MALVOLIO GET HIS JUST DESSERTS.  
GC: 1 W1LL 3XULT 4T 1T!  
GC: YOU KNOW H3 BROUGHT M3 OUT OF F4VOR W1TH MY L4DY 4BOUT 4 CHOL3RB34ST B41T1NG H3R3  
CG: DON’T YOU WORRY, WE’LL MAKE HIM PAY. RIGHT, SIR ANDREW?  
AT: yOU BET,  
Enter Maria [CC].  
CG: HERE COMES THE LITTLE VILLAIN HERSELF.  
CG: HOW’S IT GOING, MY GOLDEN GIRL?  
CC: Quick, everyone )(ide be)(ind t)(at )(edge! Malvolio’s coming down t)(is walk. )(e’s been out )(ere practicing manners for )(alf an )(our.  
CC: Quickly, )(ide, )(ide!  
The others hide. Maria throws down a letter.  
CC: T)(ere’s t)(e bait, and now for t)(e trout!  
She hides. Enter Malvolio [CT].  
CT: D --> It is all fortune  
CT: D --> Maria once told me Her Ladyship fancied me, and I am positive I heard Her Ladyship almost say so herself  
CT: D --> She certainly holds me in higher regard than the other servants  
CT: D --> It is the only natural conc100sion  
CG: (what a fucking egomaniacal prick.)  
GC: (cont3mpl4t1on m4k3s 4 turk3y out of h1m. w4tch h1m strut h1s plum4g3!)  
AT: (i wish, i could PUnch hIM)  
CC: (s)()()()()()(.)  
CT: D --> What if I was Count Malvolio  
CG: (YOU FUCKER.)  
AT: (sHOOT HIM!,)  
CC: (S)()()()()()(!)  
CT: D --> The case is not unprecedented  
CT: D --> The Lady of Strachy married her yeoman  
GC: (h33 h33, h1s 1m4g1n4t1on 1s g3tt1ng 4w4y from h1m)  
CT: D --> Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state –  
CG: (i’m going to fucking punch him in the mouth.)  
CT: D --> Calling my officers about me  
CT: D --> In my velvet gown  
CT: D --> Having come from a daybed where I have left Olivia sleeping  
CG: (YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I’M GOING TO BURY YOUR FIST SO FAR DOWN YOUR THROAT YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR FINGERS IN YESTERDAY’S DINNER.)  
GC: (SHHHHHHHH! >:O)  
CT: D --> And then  
CT: D --> After telling them I know my place, as they sh001d know theirs  
CT: D --> I w001d ask for my kinsman Toby  
CG: (FUCK YOU.)  
CC: (i am going to gag you if you don’t s)(ut up soon.)  
CT: D --> And 100k down on him, and frown, and wind up my watch  
CT: D --> Or play with my  
CT: D --> Some rich jewel  
CT: D --> And Toby approaches, bows, and I e%tend my hand to him like this  
CT: D --> Saying, “Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece, give me this prerogative of speech  
CG: (wait, what?)  
CT: D --> “You must amend your drunkeness  
CG: (I’M GOING TO KILL HIM.)  
GC: (do you w4nt h1m to d1scov3r us????)  
CT: D --> “You also waste your time with a f001ish knight  
AT: (that’s, me,,)  
CT: D --> “One Sir Andrew"  
AT: (i knew it,)  
CT: D --> But wait  
CT: D --> What have we here  
Takes up the letter.  
AT: (hahaHAhaha, yeeEsss,)  
CT: D --> This is my lady’s handwriting  
CT: D --> Her C’s, her U’s, her N’s, and her T’s  
AT: (i don’t, get it,)  
AT: (why those letters?,)  
CG: (i’ll explain it to you later)  
CT: D --> “To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes  
CT: D --> “Jove knows I love, but who”  
CT: D --> What if it sh001d be me  
CT: D --> “M. O. A. I. doth sway my life”  
GC: (4n 3xc3ll3nt r1ddle)  
CG: (maria, you’re a genius.)  
CT: D --> M. O. A. I.  
CT: D --> Why  
CT: D --> Those letters are all in my name  
CT: D --> This is surely to me  
CT: D --> “I may command where I adore”  
CT: D --> Yes, my lady  
CT: D --> Command me, I will serve  
CT: D --> “If this falls into your hand, think carefully  
CT: D --> “In my stars I am above you, but do not be afraid of greatness  
CT: D --> “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them  
CT: D --> “Don’t be afraid to be yourself and use your STRENGTH  
CT: D --> “Remember who admires your b100 stockings and wishes to see you wear them %-gartered  
CT: D --> “If you return my love, let it appear in your smiling, for I adore your smile  
CT: D --> “Farewell, from she that w00ld adore you”  
CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> This is  
CT: D --> This is miraculous  
CT: D --> This is no figment of my imagination  
CT: D --> I must don my b100 stockings at once and go to my lady  
CT: D --> Finally I get the recognition I deserve  
Exit.  
GC: 3H3H3H3H3  
GC: TH4T W4S PR1C3L3SS  
CG: MARIA, I COULD MARRY YOU FOR THIS.  
CG: I MEAN.  
CG: NOT LITERALLY.  
CG: WELL.  
CG: FUCK.  
AT: mE, tOO,  
CC: Now, buoys, t)(ere’s enoug)( for everyone. 38)  
CG: I AM DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS, I WILL BE YOUR SLAVE FOR LIFE FOR THIS  
CG: YOU ARE A GODDESS ON EARTH.   
CC: O)(, t)(e prank’s only beginning.  
CC: If you reelly want to sea some fun, watc)( w)(en )(e approac)(es my lady.   
CC: )(e will come to )(er in blue stockings, a color s)(e )(ates, and wit)( t)(em cross-gartered, a fas)(ion s)(e detests, and )(e will smile, w)(ic)( would be bad enoug)( if s)(e wasn’t in suc)( a melanc)(oly mood!  
CC: If you want to sea it, come follow me.  
CG: LADY, I WOULD FOLLOW YOU TO THE GATES OF HELL.  
AT: mE, tOO!,

Exeunt.


	12. Act III, Scene 1

III.1 Enter  Viola [TT]  and  Feste [TC].

TT: Good morning, friend. Do you live by your music?  
TC: nAh, BrO, i LiVe By ThE cHuRcH.  
TT: Oh.  
TT: You’re not exactly what I picture when I think of a priest, I’ll admit.  
TC: i MeAn I uP aNd MoThErFuCkInG lIvE nExT tO tHe ChUrCh, GoT mYsElf AbIdInG aLl By ThEm MiRtHfUl HaRsHwHiMsY tUnEs.   
TT: By that logic you might as well say a king lives next to a beggar, if the beggar sleeps by his castle.  
TC: aHaHaHaHa YoU gOt Me ThErE, bRo. :oD  
TT: You’re a merry fellow, I’ll give you that. I bet you don’t have a care in the world.  
TC: nAhHh, I wOuLdN’t SaY tHaT.   
TC: i Do CaRe FoR sOmEtHiNg, BuT i AiN’t cArInG fOr YoU, aNd If ThAt bE nOtHiNg ThEn YoU sHoUlD bE aLl Up AnD dIsApPeArInG rIgHt AbOuT nOw.  
TT: … Aren’t you Lady Olivia’s fool?  
TC: lAdY oLiViA iSn’T hAvInG nO fOoL, nOt UnTiL sHe GeTs MaRrIeD. tHenN sHe’Ll Be MoThErFuCkInG sTuCk WiTh OnE lIkE –  
TT: I saw you at Count Orsino’s.   
TC: FoOlErY, bRo, Be AlL oVeR tHe GlObE lIkE tHe MoThErFuCkInG sUn.   
TT: You know what, here’s some money, go bother someone else.  
Gives a coin.  
TC: aWw ThAnKs BrO.  
TC: bEtTeR pRaY fOr JoVe To GiVe YoU a BeArD nExT tImE hE’s AlL uP aNd SeNdInG oUt HaIr.  
TT: Oh, I want a beard, just not on my chin.   
TT: Is Lady Olivia inside?  
TC: hEy, dO yOu ThInK, iF i HaD tWo Of ThEsE cOiNs, ThEsE mOtHeRfUcKiNg ShInY lItTlE bAsTaRdS wOuLd Be Up AnD bReEdInG?  
TT: Well, I suppose if you invested them, they would.  
TT: I hear the Royal Bank has good rates.  
TC: nAh, I aIn’T lOcKiNg My MoNeY uP iN aNy StOnY vAuLt. WhAt’S tHe PoInT oF iT tHeN?  
TT: Look, I just want to talk to Lady Olivia. Is she inside?  
TC: aIn’T mUcH i CaN bE dOiNg WiTh OnE cOiN. :o(  
TT: Fine.  
Gives another coin.  
TT: Is your lady at home or not?  
TC: sHe SuRe Is, I’lL tElL hEr YoU’rE aRrIvEd.  
TC: yOu KnOw, It’S tHe MoThErFuCkInG dAmNdEsT tHiNg, BuT i Be AlL uP aNd UnKnOwInG wHo yOu TrUlY aRe.   
TC: MoThErFuCkInG sIxTh SeNsE iS wHiSpErInG iN mY aIr ThAt YoU aIn’T aLl YoU’rE sEeMiNg.  
TC: ;o) HoNk.  
Exit.  
TT: I’m willing to bet that man isn’t half as unintelligent as he pretends to be.  
TT: I suppose it takes a certain sort of genius to play a fool convincingly, or even to be a fool at all. You’ve got to judge the mood of the people you’re trying to amuse, tell the right kind of jokes, and not get distracted…  
TT: I wonder what his real personality’s like.  
Enter Sir Toby [CG] and Sir Andrew [AT].  
CG: HEY, YOU.  
TT: Yes?  
AT: dIEU, uHH, VOUS GARDE, mONSIUER,,  
TT: Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.   
AT: uHH, sURE,  
AT: (i think, i know what he said,)  
CG: COME INTO THE HOUSE, MY NIECE HEARD YOU’RE HERE AND WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.  
TT: What a splendid coincidence, as I came here to talk to your niece.   
CG: THEN USE THE LEGS GOD GAVE YOU AND WALK INSIDE.   
TT: You’re being remarkably aggressive. Are you always like this, or did someone piss in your beer?  
CG: JUST GET IN THE FUCKING HOUSE.  
TT: I would just love to oblige, but as you see, there’ s no longer any need to.  
Enter Olivia [AA] and Maria [CC].  
TT: Most excellent and accomplished lady, may the heavens gently shower perfumes down on your beauteous face.  
CG: WHAT A FUCKING STUPID LINE.  
TT: My lady, my message is intended for no other ears than yours.  
AA: shut the garden door, and everyone leave  
Exit Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Maria.  
AA: give me your hand  
TT: My duty, madam, and most humble service.  
AA: whats your name?  
TT: Cesario is your servant’s name, fair princess.  
AA: my servant? i wish ;)  
AA: but youre count orsinos servant  
TT: And he is yours, and therefore everything that’s his is also yours. Your servant’s servant is your servant, madam.  
AA: i really dont care about orsino  
AA: and i wish hed stop thinking about me all the time  
TT: Madam, I’m here on his behalf –  
AA: can we really just stop talking about orsino  
AA: if were going to talk about someone loving me id much rather it be someone else  
TT: Dear lady –  
AA: look i have to tell you something  
AA: after the last time you were here i sent my steward after you with a ring and pretended it was yours  
AA: and honestly it was kind of a shitty trick   
AA: i just dont want you to think any worse of me because of it  
AA: okay look  
AA: i really like you!  
AA: a lot  
AA: and i was just wondering how you felt about that  
TT: I - I pity you.  
AA: thats getting close to love  
TT: Not… necessarily… Don’t we pity our enemies?  
AA: i see how it is  
AA: dont worry i wont be sad!   
AA: and i wont do anything weird like follow you around either  
AA: im just glad that if i was going to love someone its you  
AA: and i hope your future wife knows how lucky she is  
AA: i think your way home is west?  
TT: Then westward I must go.   
TT: You’re sure you don’t have any message for Orsino?  
AA: wait stay  
AA: tell me honestly what you think of me  
TT: I think you’re denying who you really are.  
AA: funnily enough i could say the same thing about you  
TT: Then you’re right, I am not what I am.  
AA: i wish you were the way i want you to be  
TT: Would it be better, madam, than I am? I wish it might, for right now I am your fool.  
AA: you really are beautiful you know  
AA: cesario  
AA: i love you and im not going to hide it!   
AA: im not even going to try  
AA: cant you love me back?  
TT: I have one heart, and no woman has ever been mistress of it, save I alone.  
TT: Adieu, madam. I won’t come back on Orsino’s behalf any more.  
AA: you could always come back for yourself  
AA: you know  
TT: I wish I could.  


Exeunt.


	13. Act III, Scene 2

III.2 Enter  Sir Toby [CG], Sir Andrew [AT],  and  Fabian [GC].

AT: nO, i WON’T, i WON’T STAY ANY LONGER,  
CG: WILL YOU STOP BLOWING YOUR FUCKING LID AND TELL ME WHY?  
GC: YOU MUST Y31LD YOUR R34SON, S1R 4NDR3W  
AT: yOUR NIECE LIKES THAT COUNT’S SERVINGMAN MORE THAN SHE LIKES ME,  
AT: i SAW THEM, tOGETHER,  
CG: YEAH, BUT DID SHE SEE YOU?  
AT: sHE DID,  
AT: nOT THAT, iT MADE ANY DIFFERENCE,  
GC: S33, TH4T 1S PROOF TH4T SH3 L1K3S YOU!  
AT: i’M, nOT AN IDIOT, yOU KNOW,  
GC: 1 W1LL PROV3 1T L3G1T1M4T3 UPON TH3 O4THS OF JUDG3M3NT 4ND R34SON!  
GC: SH3 SHOW3D F4VOR TO TH3 YOUTH 1N YOUR S1GHT TO 3X4SP3R4TE YOU, 4ND TO PROVOK3 YOU INTO 4 SHOW OF J34LOUS V1OL3NC3  
GC: YOU SHOULD H4VE RUN UP TO H1M 4ND B4SH3D H1M ON TH3 H34D TO PROV3 YOUR 4FF3CT1ON FOR H3R  
GC: BUT YOU D1DN’T, 4ND 4R3 NOW COLD3R 1N MY L4DY’S OP1N1ON TH4N TH3 4SS OF 4 POL4RW4ST3 CHOL3RB34R  
GC: YOU MUST DO SOM3TH1NG TO R3D33M YOURS3LF TO H3R!  
AT: i WOULD RATHER DO IT, wITH VALOR THAN POLICY,  
CG: THEN BOY DO I HAVE THE PERFECT FUCKING PLAN FOR YOU.  
CG: CHALLENGE THIS BABYFACED ASSHOLE TO A DUEL AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.  
CG: WOMEN LIKE THAT SORT OF THING.  
CG: I BET YOU ANYTHING MY NIECE’LL BE IMPRESSED, AND MAYBE IF YOU GET A FEW WOUNDS SHE’LL CRY OVER THEM AND DO THAT WHOLE FUSSY LET-ME-TAKE-CARE-OF-YOU HURT/COMFORT SHTICK.  
GC: TH3R3 1S NO W4Y BUT TH1S, S1R 4NDR3W  
AT: wILL, eITHER OF YOU, bEAR ME A CHALLENGE TO HIM?  
CG: GO WRITE THE CHALLENGE FIRST. AND DON’T BE ALL WISHY-WASHY AND POLITE, BE RUDE. REALLY STICK IT TO HIM. INSULT HIS MOTHER. HELL, INSULT HIS GRANDMOTHER. DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO GET HIM SO FUCKING MAD THAT HIS BRAIN BLOWS FROM THE RAGE ANEURYSM OF THE CENTURY.  
AT: wHERE, sHALL i FIND YOU?  
CG: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I’LL FIND YOU. GO.  
Exit Sir Andrew.  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT.  
GC: M3TH1INKS YOUR CRUSTY OLD H34RT 1S 4CTU4LLY FOND OF TH4T BOY!  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: FUCK NO.  
CG: HE JUST OWES ME MONEY.  
GC: TH3 L3TT3R H3 WR1T3S W1LL B3 4 TH1NG TO B3HOLD  
GC: YOU’LL NOT D3L1V3R 1T?  
CG: YOU BET I WILL.  
CG: BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO GOAD THAT YOUTH INTO ANSWERING THE CHALLENGE. IT’S GOING TO TAKE ROPES AND LARGE HORNED HOOFBEASTS TO DRAG THOSE TWO TOGETHER. IF YOU OPEN ANDREW UP AND FOUND ENOUGH BLOOD IN HIS LIVER TO CLOG THE FOOT OF A FUCKING FLEA, I’LL EAT THE REST OF HIM.  
GC: THE YOUTH DO3S NOT LOOK TO B3 OF 4 P4RT1CUL4RLY B3LL1G3R3NT D1SPOS1T1ON 31TH3R  
Enter Maria [CC].  
CG: LOOK WHO IT IS.  
CC: If you want to sea somet)(ing HILARIOUS, come wit)( me!   
CC: Malvolio is all dressed up in )(is blue stockings!  
CG: AND CROSS-GARTERED?  
CC: )(e is! )(e looks like a glubbing sc)(oolfeeder.  
CC: I’ve been following )(im and )(e’s doing everyfin I told )(im to in t)(e letter! )(e’s smiling so muc)( it’s making new lines in )(is face.  
CC: Believe me, you )(aven’t sean ANYFIN like t)(is, I can )(ardly kelp from t)(rowing t)(ings at )(im.  
CC: I know my lady’ll strike )(im. And if s)(e does, )(e’ll smile and take it for a great favor!  
CG: BRING US TO WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW.

Exeunt.


	14. Act III, Scene 3

III.3 Enter Sebastian [TG]  and  Antonio [TA].

TG: look dude im flattered this is really sweet  
TG: but uh  
TG: you didnt have to come out here for me  
TA: ii know.  
TG: guess you really wanted to though  
TA: look2 liike ii ju2t couldn’t 2tay behiind.   
TA: ii mean fuck me iif iim not attached two you enough a2 iit iis but that2 not the only rea2on ii came after you.  
TA: youre riidiing iinto a country that you have ab2olutely zero knowledge of and which hone2tly ii2 a pretty 2hiitty country.  
TA: 2o here ii am to look out for you.  
TG: well uh  
TG: thanks  
TG: for real  
TG: ill repay you for sure  
TG: a lannister always pays his debts  
TA: what the hell2 a lannii2ter?  
TG: nevermind  
TG: hey what do you wanna do  
TG: wanna do a little sightseeing  
TG: lets hit this town up  
TA: maybe tomorrow.  
TA: we 2hould probably fiind lodgiings fiir2t.  
TG: nah man im not tired  
TG: and its nowhere close to nighttime anyway  
TG: cmon lets walk around  
TG: see the sights  
TG: check out ye olde monuments  
TA: that miight not be 2uch a good iidea for me.  
TA: iim not exactly popular around here.  
TG: what  
TG: why  
TA: a whiile back ii fought iin a 2ea battle agaiin2t the count and fucked a lot of hii2 2hiips up.  
TG: dude youre a war hero  
TG: did you kill a lot of his men  
TA: nah, ii don’t thiink 2o. doe2n’t really matter, that2 not why everyone hate2 me.   
TA: turn2 out people don’t liike you when you refu2e to giive back the shiit you stole from them.  
TG: ah well  
TG: everyones a bitch  
TA: yeah but iif ii get arre2ted here iim pretty much fucked.  
TG: okay then dont walk around in the open too much  
TA: diidn’t plan to.  
TA: here2 my wallet, iim goiing to get u2 room2 at the elephant in the 2outh 2uburb2. ii’ll fiigure out food two.  
TA: you can go 2iight2ee or whatever you want two do.  
TG: wait  
TG: whyd you give me your wallet  
TA: well iif you want two buy 2omethiing.  
TA: ii know you don’t have a whole lot of money.  
TG: aw thanks  
TG: alright ill probably be gone for an hour or so  
TA: the elephant, remember.  
TG: yup  
TG: got it

Exeunt.


	15. Act III, Scene 4

III.4 Enter Olivia [AA]  and Maria [CC].

AA: ive sent for cesario and he says hell come!  
AA: now i just have to figure out what to feed him and what gifts to give him  
AA: hmmm  
AA: maria wheres malvolio  
CC: Oh, )(e’s coming, but somefin’s wrong wit)( )(im! Maybe )(e’s possessed.  
AA: what do you mean possessed  
AA: does he rave  
CC: No, madam, )(e does not)(ing but SMIL---E.  
CC: Conc)(estly, it’s pretty unnerving! I’d suggest )(aving a guard wit)( you if you’re talking to )(im.  
AA: go fetch him  
Exit Maria.  
AA: if being sad and happy at the same time is madness then im as crazy as he is  
Enter Malvolio [CT] with Maria [CC].  
AA: how now malvolio  
CT: D --> Sweet lady  
CT: D --> I am overjoyed to see you  
AA: what are you smiling about  
AA: i want to talk to you about something serious  
CT: D --> I can be serious  
CT: D --> Are you not impressed by my %-gartered stockings  
CT: D --> Although they are rather obstructing the circulation in my legs, I would gladly endure such discomfort to please you  
AA: im sorry what  
CT: D --> My lady, I found the letter  
CT: D --> I think we both know whose handwriting that was  
AA: are you feeling all right  
AA: should you go to bed  
CT: D --> Only if you accompany me  
AA: stop smiling like that  
AA: youre creeping me out  
AA: and please stop kissing my hand  
CC: )(ow are you feeling, Malvolio?  
CT: D --> Someone of my station need hardly answer to one of yours  
CC: Is t)(ere a reason you’re appearing wit)( t)(is RIDICULOUS boldness in front of my lady? 38(  
CT: D --> “Be not afraid of greatness  
AA: what  
CT: D --> “Some are born great  
AA: what are you talking about  
CT: D --> “Some achieve greatness  
AA: no really what the hell are you saying  
CT: D --> “And some have greatness thrust upon them  
AA: malvolio are you feeling all right  
CT: D --> “Remember who admires your b100 stockings and wishes to see you wear them %-gartered  
AA: maria i think hes gone insane  
Enter Fabian [GC].  
GC: M4D4M THE YOUNG G3NTL3M4N OF COUNT ORS1NO’S IS RETURN3D  
GC: H3 4W41TS YOUR L4DYSH1P’S PL34SUR3  
AA: ill come to him  
Exit Fabian.  
AA: maria have malvolio taken care of  
AA: maybe toby will know how to help   
AA: i dont want any harm to come to him  
Exit Olivia, then Maria.  
CT: D --> She wants a nobletroll like Sir Toby to 100k after me and said she wanted me not to be harmed  
CT: D --> Clearly she cares about me as she would one of her own b100d  
CT: D --> If Sir Toby attempts to boss me about I will not hesitate to be % with him  
CT: D --> One hint of rudeness and I will put him in his place  
CT: D --> My lady is surely on my side now, just as I e%pected from the letter  
CT: D --> Everything is falling into place  
Enter Sir Toby [CG], Fabian [GC], and Maria [CC].  
CG: WHERE IS HE? I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF HE’S POSSESSED BY AN ENTIRE LEGION OF DEMONS, I’LL TALK TO HIM AND SHOW THE LITTLE PITCHFORK-BRANDISHING FUCKERS WHO THEY’RE DEALING WITH.  
GC: H3’S R1GHT H3R3  
GC: HOW 1S 1T W1TH YOU MY GOOD M4N  
CT: D --> Go off, I discard you  
CT: D --> Let me enjoy my private  
CT: D --> Er  
CT: D --> Thoughts  
CC: Look )(ow t)(e devil speaks wit)(in )(im! Didn’t I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady wants you to be extra careful around )(im.  
CT: D --> Does she?  
CG: SHH SHH SHHH, WE’VE GOT TO DEAL WITH HIM EXTRA GENTLY. LET ME, I’M A MASTER AT THIS.  
CG: HI, MALVOLIO! HOW IS IT WITH YOU?  
CG: LOOK, I KNOW IT’S HARD, BUT YOU’VE GOT TO RESIST THE DEVIL. YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE THE SHIT HE GETS UP TO.  
CT: D --> Are you even aware of what you are saying  
CC: Look, )(e’s offended by )(ow you talked of the devil! Pray )(e’s not B---EWITC)(---ED!  
GC: P3RH4PS 4 S4MPL3 OF H1S UR1N3 SHOULD B3 T4K3N TO TH3 DOCTOR  
CC: Yes, we must get a doctor tomorrow. My lady would N-EV-ER want to lose )(im.  
CT: D --> I must demand to know what you are talking about  
CG: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING, YOU’RE UPSETTING HIM. LOOK, LIKE I SAID, LEAVE IT TO ME.  
GC: B3 C4R3FUL! >:O  
CG: HEY, HEY YOU! YEAH, THE LITTLE RED-ASSED POINTY-HOOFED SON OF A BITCH POSSESSING MALVOLIO. I’M TALKING TO YOU, YOU FAT FUCKING ROOSTER.  
CT: D --> Sir  
CG: WHAT, TOO INTIMIDATED TO COME OUT AND PLAY?   
CG: MALVOLIO, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO END UP LIKE THIS. I THOUGHT YOU HAD HALF A FUCKING BRAIN IN THERE. DON’T YOU KNOW NOT TO PLAY GAMES WITH SATAN?  
CC: Sir Toby, get )(im to say )(is prayers!  
CT: D --> Go hang yourselves all  
CT: D --> There is no earthly reason I should be subjugated to this sort of f001ishness, I have a higher future to 100k forward too  
CT: D --> You haven’t heard the last of me  
Exit.  
CG: I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING.  
GC: 1F TH1S W3R3 PL4Y3D UPON 4 ST4G3 3V3N NOW 1 WOULD COND3MN 1T 4S 4N 1MPROB4BL3 F1CT1ON  
CG: I MEAN, HE’S DOING EVERYTHING PERFECTLY. HE’S PLAYING RIGHT INTO HIS ROLE.  
CC: We need to follow )(im t)(oug)(, to make sure )(e doesn’t accidentally give away w)(at’s )(appening.  
GC: WHY W3 SH4LL M4K3 H1M M4D 1ND33D >:]  
CC: T)(e )(ouse will be quieter, t)(at’s for sure.  
CG: WAIT WAIT WAIT, I HAVE AN IDEA.  
CG: WHAT IF WE LOCKED HIM UP IN A DARK ROOM OR SOMETHING? SINCE MY NIECE ALREADY BELIEVES THAT HE’S GONE CUCKOO FOR CHOCOLATELY BREAKFAST FOODS.  
CG: THEN WE CAN JUST LEAVE HIM THERE AND NOT WORRY ABOUT HIM REVEALING OUR PRANK, AND IF WE GET BORED POKE HIM WITH A STICK OR SOMETHING. AND THEN AFTERWARDS WHEN WE LET HIM OUT AND LAUGH ABOUT WHAT A HILARIOUS JOKE IT WAS!  
CG: AND CROWN YOU AS THE QUEEN OF PRANKSTERS OR SOMETHING. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, THIS SHIT IS GOLDEN.  
CG: OH, WAIT, HOLD THE FUCK UP.  
Enter Sir Andrew [AT].  
AT: i WROTE, tHE CHALLENGE,  
AT: sOMEONE SHOULD READ IT, bUT i THINK, iT’S PRETTY AGGRESSIVE,  
GC: 1S 1T?  
AT: rEAD, iT,,  
CG: GIVE IT TO ME. “YOUTH, WHOEVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE A MEAN PERSON.”  
GC: GOOD 4ND V4L14NT  
CG: “DON’T WORRY THAT I CALLED YOU THAT, BECAUSE I WON’T SHOW YOU ANY REASON WHY I DID.”  
GC: 4 GOOD NOT3 TH4T K33PS YOU FROM TH3 BLOW OF THE L4W  
CG: “YOU VISIT THE LADY OLIVIA AND SHE’S VERY NICE TO YOU IN FRONT OF ME. BUT YOU’RE A DIRTY LIAR, AND THAT’S NOT WHY I’M CHALLENGING YOU. I WILL WAYLAY YOU GOING HOME, AND IF YOU HAPPEN TO KILL ME –”  
GC: UM  
CG: “YOU KILL ME LIKE A ROGUE AND A VILLAIN.”  
GC: YOU’R3 DO1NG 4 R3M4RK4BL3 JOB OF ST4Y1NG ON TH3 R1GHT S1D3 OF TH3 L4W  
CG: “FARE YOU WELL, AND MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON ONE OF OUR SOULS. HE MIGHT HAVE MERCY ON MINE, BUT MY HOPE IS BETTER, SO YOU BETTER WATCH OUT. YOUR FRIEND, AS YOU USE HIM, AND YOUR SWORN ENEMY, ANDRERW AGUECHEEK.”  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.  
AT: iT’S, uHH, mY LETTER,  
CG: YOU CALL THIS A FUCKING CHALLENGE? MY GRANDMOTHER COULD WRITE MORE TERRIFYING LETTERS WHILE PISSING HERSELF IN HER SLEEP!  
CG: I MEAN WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, “YOU ARE A MEAN PERSON.” WHY DON’T YOU JUST CALL HIM A STINKY POO-POO HEAD AND BE DONE WITH IT?  
CG: AND WHAT’S THIS AT THE END, “YOUR FRIEND?”  
CG: REALLY? FUCKING REALLY? YOU’RE TRYING TO CHALLENGE HIM TO A DUEL, NOT FUCKING INVITE HIM TO TEA WITH THE GODDAMN QUEEN!  
CG: I’M GOING TO REWRITE THIS INTO SOMETHING THAT WON’T MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE A PANSY WUSS AND ACTUALLY INFURIATE THIS DOUCHE TO THE POINT WHERE HE WANTS TO TRY AND STICK A SWORD IN YOU.  
AT: i TRIED, rEALLY HARD,  
CG: YEAH, WELL, CLEARLY NOT HARD ENOUGH.  
CC: Do it quickly, )(e’s talking to my lady rig)(t now.  
CG: ALL RIGHT, I’LL WRITE THIS THING, AND THEN YOU WAIT UNTIL HE’S LEAVING AND GO STICK IT IN HIS PASTY FACE. THE SECOND YOU SEE HIM DRAW HIS SWORD, YOU DRAW YOURS AND DON’T LEAVE HIM ALONE UNTIL HE FIGHTS YOU.  
CG: OH, AND MAKE SURE YOU SWEAR. A LOT.  
AT: oH, yES,  
AT: i WILL USE, aLL THE SWEARS,   
AT: }:)  
CG: YOU DO THAT.  
Exit Sir Andrew.  
CG: THIS IS HIS IDEA OF AN INSULTING LETTER? JESUS CHRIST.  
CG: KID COULDN’T BE MEAN IF HE TRIED, I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT THIS DUEL’S GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE LIKE.  
CG: MAYBE IF I SPIKED HIS FOOD WITH CHILI POWDER OR SOMETHING HE’D ACTUALLY GET FEISTY.  
Enter Olivia [AA] and Viola [TT].  
GC: H3R3 COM3S TH3 YOUTH W1TH YOUR N13C3  
GC: L3T’S W41T UNT1L 4FT3R H3 L34V3S 4ND TH3N GO 4FT3R H1M  
CG: YEAH, AND THAT’LL GIVE ME TIME TO WRITE A HALF-ASS-DECENT LETTER.  
Exeunt Sir Toby, Fabian, and Maria.  
AA: ive said too much to a heart of stone   
AA: but you know what i dont regret it!  
AA: not a bit  
TT: You know the count feels the same passion for you that you do for me.  
AA: here take this locket  
AA: it has my picture in it and you can wear it  
AA: youll come back tomorrow right  
AA: what will you ask of me then  
TT: Nothing except your true love.  
TT: For my master, of course.  
AA: and how can i give him what ive already given you  
TT: Look, I…  
AA: well just come back tomorrow  
AA: fare you well  
AA: you know if you were a demon you could take my soul to hell and i wouldnt complain  
Exit. Enter Sir Toby [CG] and Fabian [GC].  
CG: YOU LISTEN HERE, YOU LITTLE SHITSTAIN.  
TT: Are you talking to me?  
CG: WHAT, ARE YOU DEAF? YES, YOU.   
CG: YOU BETTER DEFEND YOURSELF, BECAUSE A FUCKING JUGGERNAUT IS COMING FOR YOU. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO MAKE HIM MAD, BUT HE’S MORE PISSED OFF THAN A HORNET’S NEST THAT SOMEONE DUNKED IN A BUCKET OF MAYO AND DEEPFRIED IN WEEK-OLD OIL. HE WANTS BLOOD, AND HE’S WAITING FOR YOU IN THAT ORCHARD OVER THERE. BETTER SAY YOUR PRAYERS, BECAUSE HE’S AS DEADLY AND DANGEROUS AS HE IS FULL OF MOLTEN BOILING RAGE.  
TT: I think you must have mistaken me for someone else, I have no quarrel with anyone. I haven’t even gotten in any arguments in the past weeks.  
CG: YEAH, THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK.   
CG: LOOK, IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE, GET OVER THERE AND FACE YOUR CHALLENGER.  
TT: Yeah, about that – who is he?  
CG: HE’S A GODDAMN KNIGHT IS WHO HE IS. FUCKING MASTER OF THE SWORD AND THE BEST FIGHTER IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY. HE’S KILLED THIRTY PEOPLE ALREADY AND IS SO FUCKING MAD AT YOU THAT HE’S NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL IT’S THIRTY-ONE.  
TT: If it’s all the same to you, I’m going to go back inside and talk to Lady Olivia. At least she’s not going to try and drive a steely rapier deep within my breast.  
TT: And I’m not humoring some hot-tempered meathead who likes fighting others for his own entertainment.   
CG: OH, YOU’RE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS THAT EASY.   
CG: AND HE’S NOT DOING THIS BECAUSE HE’S BORED OR SOME SHIT, HE HAS A VERY VALID GRIEVANCE AGAINST YOU. YOU WANT TO GET BACK INTO THE HOUSE, YOU’LL HAVE TO FUCKING FIGHT ME AS WELL. SO STRAP ON YOUR SWORD AND PUT ON YOUR BIG BOY PANTS, BECAUSE YOU’RE HAVING A FIGHT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.  
TT: Can you at least tell me what I did to offend this person?  
CG: UH.  
CG: YEAH, HOLD ON, I’LL GO TALK TO HIM.  
CG: FABIAN, MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T LEAVE UNTIL I COME AND GET HIM.  
GC: H3 DO3SN’T L34V3 3V3N 1F YOU COM3 4ND G3T H1M  
CG: WHAT? NO. NOT TO LEAVE *UNTIL* I COME AND GET HIM  
GC: UNT1L YOU COM3 4ND G3T H1M 1’M NOT TO L34V3  
CG: WELL, YES, SORT OF.  
GC: 1 DON’T N33D TO DO 4NYTH1NG 4P4RT FROM –  
CG: LOOK, JUST FUCKING KEEP HIM FROM WANDERING OFF OR RUNNING AWAY, HOW FUCKING DIFFICULT IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND? GET THAT IN YOUR THICK HEAD, YOU DISGRACEFUL EXCUSE FOR A TROLL, AND STOP SHOVING YOUR FUCKING FINGER UP YOUR ASS!  
Exit.  
TT: Do you know what’s going on?  
GC: 1 KNOW NOTH1NG 3XC3PT TH4T TH3 KN1GHT IS V3RY M4D 4T YOU 1ND33D  
TT: And what kind of person is he?  
GC: H3 1S TH3 MOST SK1LLFUL, BLOODY, AND F4T4L OPPON3NT YOU COULD H4V3 POSSIBLY FOUND IN 4LL OF 1LLYR14  
GC: 4LTHOUGH 1 C4N M4K3 YOUR P34C3 W1TH H1M 1F 1 C4N  
TT: Yes, I’d rather that. It’s certainly better than the current chest-beating displays.  
Exeunt. Enter Sir Toby [CG] and Sir Andrew [AT].  
CG: I’M TELLING YOU, I’VE NEVER SEEN A GUY LIKE THIS. HE’S AN ABSOLUTE TERROR, AND FIGHTS LIKE GODDAMN QUICKSILVER. THEY EVEN SAY HE WAS A FENCER FOR THE SHAH OF PERSIA.  
AT: oH, uHHH,   
AT: i DON’ THINK, i WANT TO FIGHT HIM,  
CG: IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW, HE’S MADDER THAN A HIPPO WITH A HERNIA. FABIAN CAN SCARCELY HOLD HIM BACK.  
AT: i DON’T, cARE,  
AT: iF i KNEW HE WAS THIS GOOD AT FIGHTING i WOULDN’T HAVE CHALLENGED HIM,  
AT: i’LL GIVE HIM MY HORSE IF HE FORGETS THE WHOLE THING,  
CG: ALL RIGHT, I’LL GO AND TELL HIM THAT. WAIT HERE.  
CG: FUCKING SCAREDY-CAT.  
Enter Fabian [GC] and Viola [TT].  
CG: WELL, I’VE PERSUADED HIM THE YOUTH’S A DEVIL – A LITTLE TOO WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE.  
GC: H3 1S 4S HORR1BLY 4FR41D OF H1M, 4ND P4NTS 4ND LOOKS 4S P4L3 4S 1F 4 CHOL3RB34R W3R3 4T H1S H33LS  
CG: ISN’T THIS GOING TO BE THE FUCKING CLASH OF THE TITANS.  
CG: WELL, BETTER MAKE SURE THEY GO THROUGH WITH IT.  
TT: This is great. Really.  
GC: G1V3 GROUND 1F YOU S33 H1M FUR1OUS  
CG: LOOK, ANDREW, YOU’VE JUST GOT TO GRIT YOUR TEETH AND GO THROUGH WITH IT. IT’S AN HONOR THING, YOU KNOW? JUST FUCKING MAN UP AND FIGHT THE GUY FOR ONE ROUND, HE’S PROMISED AS A GENTLEMAN AND A SOLDIER NOT TO HURT YOU.  
AT: i HOPE, hE KEEPS HIS OATH,  
Draws. Enter Antonio [TA].  
TT: Oh, I do not want to be doing this.  
Draws.  
TA: hey a22hole, put up your 2word.   
TA: iif thi2 gentleman has done offen2e ii take the fault on me; and iif you’ve offended hiim you’ll have hell two pay from me, fucker2.   
CG: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?  
TA: one who for hii2 love wiill fuck you up.  
Draws.  
CG: IS THAT A CHALLENGE?  
Draws. Enter Officers [EB] and [GG].  
GC: S1R TOBY, H3R3 COM3S TH3 POL1C3  
CG: FUCK.  
TT: If everyone could put their swords away that would be great…  
AT: i, uHH, aGREE,,  
EB: this is the man!  
GG: antonio, i arrest you at the suit of count orsino.  
TA: you’re makiing a mii2take.  
EB: not a bit! i know your face from the sea battle. take him away!  
TA: 2hiit.  
TA: well, thii2 ii2 what ii get for tryiing to fiind you. can ii at lea2t have my wallet back?  
TA: hone2tly ii’m more up2et about what ii can’t do for you than my2elf.  
TA: dude, iit’ll be all riight.  
GG: come sir, away!  
TA: look ii really need that money.  
TT: What money? Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate you charging in to defend me, and I can lend you some, but it’s really not all that much.  
TA: what the fuck are you 2ayiing?  
TA: are you denyiing me? after everythiing ii’ve done for you, you do thii2?  
TT: I’m sorry, but I don’t know you.  
TA: you 2on of a biitch.   
GG: come on, lets go.  
TA: 2hut the fuck up and let me 2peak.  
TA: ii 2aved this douche from death and nur2ed hiim back two health –  
EB: why should we care?  
EB: we’re wasting time, let’s go.  
TA: fuck you, 2eba2tiien, you pretty boy priick.  
TA: gue22 good looks don’t count for everythiing.  
EB: that’s enough, come on.  
TA: lead me on.  
Exit with Officers.  
TT: I think he really believes what he’s saying… He thinks I’m my brother.  
CG: HEY, ANDREW, FABIAN, GET OVER HERE. WAR HUDDLE.  
TT: Oh my God. He thinks I’m Sebastian. He knows Sebastian, Sebastian’s alive – he’s got to be – he survived –  
Exit.  
CG: LOOK AT THIS SUPREME ASSWAD, LOOK HOW HE TREATED HIS FRIEND. WHAT A GRADE-A COWARD.   
GC: 1 MOST H34RT1LY CONCUR  
AT: i’LL CHALLENGE HIM AGAIN,  
CG: YEAH, YOU GO DO THAT. HIT HIM GOOD!  
AT: jUST, wATCH ME,,  
Exit.  
CG: HERE WE GO AGAIN. FUCK.  
GC: L3T’S GO W4TCH  
CG: YOU WANT TO TAKE BETS ON WHETHER THEY ACTUALLY FIGHT OR WHAT?

Exeunt.


	16. Act IV, Scene 1

IV.1 Enter Sebastian [TG] and Feste [TC].

TC: aRe YoU uP aNd TeLlInG mE tHaT yOu’Re NoT wHo I wAs SeNt To FeTcH?  
TG: man piss off you idiot  
TG: i already told you once  
TC: oH, sO i BeT i DoN’t KnOw YoU, aNd I wAsN’t SeNt To YoU bY mY lAdY, aNd YoUr NaMe IsN’t MoThErFuCkInG cEsArIo, AnD tHiS iSn’T mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg NoSe.  
TG: uh yeah  
TG: now can you go have your little hissy ragefit somewhere else i am so not up for dealing with this shit right now  
TC: OhHhH bRo ThIs AiN’t A rAgEfIt, yOu AiN’t SeEn Me MoThErFuCkInG mAd At AlL.   
TC: aNd UnLeSs YoU wAnT tO yOu BeTtEr CoMe WiTh Me To SeE mY lAdY.  
TG: here look  
TG: im giving you money  
TG: now will you leave me the fuck alone  
TC: yOu’Re GoInG tO hAvE tO gIvE mE mOrE tHaN mOtHeRfUcKiNg ThAt.  
Enter Sir Andrew [AT], Sir Toby [CG], and Fabian [GC].  
AT: hAHAA, i HAVE YOU AGAIN,  
AT: tHERE’S FOR YOU!,  
Strikes Sebastian.  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: well buddy you gotta take it to dish it  
Strikes Sir Andrew.  
TC: I’m GoInG tO tElL mY lAdY, aNd AlL yOu MoThErFuCkErS bEtTeR wAtCh OuT.  
Exit.  
CG: WHOA WHOA WHOA, HOLD THE FUCK UP.  
AT: nO, lEAVE HIM ALONE,  
AT: i’LL CHARGE HIM WITH BATTERY IF THERE’S ANY LAW IN iLLYRIA,  
AT: dESPITE, uHH, mE STRIKING HIM FIRST,  
TG: let go of me  
CG: LIKE FUCK I’M LETTING GO, NOT UNTIL YOU LEAVE ANDREW ALONE.  
TG: dude  
TG: dont you know  
TG: im free like the wind  
Frees himself.  
TG: yeah now what  
TG: you wanna fight more you better draw your sword  
TG: i am not fucking around  
Draws.  
CG: OH, IS THAT HOW IT’S GOING TO BE?  
CG: YOU BETTER LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR FUCKING ELDERS, YOU PASTY LILY-LIVERED PUCILLANIMOUS TAPEWORM.  
Draws. Enter Olivia [AA].  
AA: toby stop!  
AA: on your life i charge you to stop!  
CG: MADAM.  
AA: toby i have to say im really disappointed in you  
AA: i mean i know youre rude and angry but this is a whole new level for you  
AA: get out of my sight  
Exeunt Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Fabian.  
AA: cesario are you okay  
AA: look please dont be offended by all of this  
AA: come inside with me and i can tell you a hundred stories about all the fights this idiots picked with people  
AA: please come with me  
AA: are you sure youre all right?   
TG: okay option one im dreaming  
TG: option two ive gone crazy  
TG: which is it  
AA: neither!  
AA: wont you come with me?  
TG: uh  
TG: yeah fuck it why not  
AA: oh good!!!

Exeunt.


	17. Act IV, Scene 2

IV.2 Enter Maria [CC] and Feste [TC].

CC: Look, put on t)(is robe and beard so )(e believes you’re a priest!  
CC: Do it quickly, I’m going to get Sir Toby.  
Exit.  
TC: AlL rIgHt If YoU mOtHeRfUcKiNg SaY sO.   
TC: wIsH i WaS tHe FiRsT lIaR tO wEaR a MoThErFuCkInG cLeRgIcAl GoWn.   
Enter Sir Toby [CG] and  Maria [CC].  
CG: GOD BLESS YOU, FATHER.  
TC: BoN AdIeU, SiR tObY; fOr, As ThE oLd HeRmIt Of PrAgUe, ThAt NeVeR sAw PeN aNd InK, vErY wItTiLy SaId To A nIeCe Of KiNg GoRbOdUc, “ThAt ThAt It Is”; So, I, bEiNg MaStEr PaRsOn, Am MaStEr PaRsOn; FoR wHaT iS “tHaT” bUt ThAt, AnD “iS” bUt Is?  
CG: JESUS CHRIST, THAT’S SCARY THE WAY YOU DO THAT.  
CG: ALL RIGHT, HAVE AT HIM, FATHER TOPAS.  
TC: WhAt Ho, I sAy. PeAcE iN tHiS pRiSoN!  
Malvolio [CT] within.  
CT: D --> Who calls there  
TC: fAtHeR tOpAs ThE pRiEsT, wHo CoMeS tO vIsIt MaLvOlIo ThE lUnAtIc.  
CT: D --> Father Topas I implore you  
CT: D --> Go to my lady  
TC: OuT, hYpErBoLiCaL fIeNd! TaLk YoU oF nOtHiNg BuT tHe LaDiEs?  
CG: WELL SAID, MASTER PARSON.  
CT: D --> Father Topas, never has a troll been more wronged than I  
CT: D --> I am not mad, they have merely shut me up in this hideous dark  
TC: FiE, yOu DiShOnEsT sAtAn! YoU sAiD tHiS hOuSe Is DaRk?  
CT: D --> As hell  
TC: WhY, iT hAs BaY wInDoWs As TrAnSpArEnT aS bArRiCaDeS, aNd ThE wInDoWs ToWaRd ThE sOuTh NoRtH aRe As LuStRoUs As EbOnY; aNd YoU sTiLl CoMpLaIn Of ObStRuCtIoN?  
CT: D --> I am not mad  
CT: D --> Father Topas, I say to you this room is dark  
TC: wElL, i SaY tHeRe Is No DaRkNeSs BuT iGnOrAnCe.  
CT: D --> I am no more mad than you, and I have been severely abused  
TC: WhAt Is ThE oPiNiOn Of PyThAgOrAs CoNcErNiNg wIlD fOwL?  
CT: D --> I fail to see how that is relevant  
TC: wHaT dO yOu ThInK oF hIs OpInIoN?  
CT: D --> I  
CT: D --> I have no thoughts on the matter  
TC: fArE yOu WelL, aNd ReMaIn In DaRkNeSs.  
TC: YoU mUsT hAvE aN oPiNiOn On PyThAgOrAs BeFoRe I wIlL cOnSiDeR yOu SaNe.  
CT: D --> Father Topas  
CT: D --> Listen to me  
CG: HOLY FUCK DUDE, THAT WAS AMAZING.   
TC: NaHh BrO, wAsN’t NoThInG.  
CC: You know, we didn’t actually need t)(e robe and beard for t)(is. )(e never saw you.  
CG: GO BACK TO HIM AS YOURSELF, AND TELL ME WHAT KIND OF STATE HE’S IN.  
CG: MARIA, LOOK, I’M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING. MY NIECE IS PRETTY PISSED AT ME AND IF SHE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS SHE’S GOING TO TEAR ME TO SHREDS.  
CG: HONESTLY, THIS STOPPED BEING FUNNY AND I KIND OF WANT THE WHOLE FUCKING CHARADE TO BE OVER.  
CG: HEY, CLOWNFUCK, AFTERWARDS COME UP TO MY ROOM.  
Exit with Maria.  
TC: hEy, RoBiN, jOlLy RoBiN,  
TC: tElL mE hOw ThY lAdY dOeS.  
CT: D --> F001  
TC: aLaS, wHy Is ShE sO?  
CT: D --> F001, I say  
TC: sHe LoVeS aNoThEr.  
TC: wHaT mOtHeRfUcKeR bE uP aNd CaLlInG mE?  
CT: D --> Good f001, if you ever deserved well at my hand, bring me a candle, and pen, and ink and paper  
CT: D --> As I am a gentletroll I will live to be thankful to you for it  
TC: No WaY, bRo.  
TC: Is ThAt My BrOtHeR mAlVoLiO i Be AlL uP aNd HeArInG?  
CT: D --> It is  
TC: aWwW mY fInE bRo, WhAt YoU bE uP aNd DoInG wItHoUt YoUr FiVe WiTs?  
CT: D --> There was never a troll so notoriously abused  
CT: D --> I am as well in my wits as you are  
TC: As WeLl As I aM? tHeN yOu ArE sHiT oUt Of LuCk, BeCaUsE i Am ThE cRaZiEsT mOtHeRfUcKeR tHiS sIdE oF tHe OcEaN.   
CT: D --> They have locked me up here in the darkness and sent a minister to me  
TC: aWw ShIt A mOtHeRfUcKiNg PrIeSt ClErGy BrO iS aLl Up AnD hErE –   
TC: mAlVolIo, MalVoLiO, hEaVeN rEsToRe YoUr WiTs. TrY tO sLeEp, AnD cEaSe YoUr VaIn BiBbLe-BaBbLe.  
CT: D --> Father Topas  
TC: MaInTaIn No WoRdS wItH hIm, GoOd FeLlOw –  
TC: WhO, mE? dOn’T yOu AlL bE uP aNd WoRrYiNg, FaThEr, I wOn’T.   
TC: gOd BlEsS yOu, My SoN.   
CT: D --> F001, I say  
TC: nOw, YoU gOtTa Be LeArNiNg SoMe MoThErFuCkInG pAtIeNcE, mY lItTlE lOcKeD-uP mOtHeRfUcKeR.   
CT: D --> All I want is some light and paper  
CT: D --> I am as sane as any troll in Illyria  
TC: i WiSh YoU wEre.  
CT: D --> By this hand, I am  
CT: D --> I implore you, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will write to my lady  
CT: D --> It will be the most important letter you ever delivered  
TC: hElL, wHy NoT, i’Ll HeLp YoU.  
TC: bUt Be AlL uP aNd HoNeSt WiTh Me, ArE yOu OuT oF yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg ThInKpAn Or NoT?  
CT: D --> Believe me, I am not  
TC: nAw, I’m NoT gOiNg To Be AlL uP aNd BeLiEvInG yOu UnTiL i SeE yOuR bRaIn. BuT i’Ll GeT yOu SoMe InK aNd MoThErFuCkInG pApEr.  
CT: D --> F001, I require it in the highest degree  
CT: D --> Fetch it immediately  
TC: I aM gOnE, sIr,  
TC: AnD aNoN, sIr,  
TC: I’lL bE wItH yOu AgAiN,  
TC: iN a TrIcE,  
TC: lIkE tO tHe OlD vIcE,  
TC: yOuR nEeD tO sUsTaIn.  
TC: WhO wItH dAgGeR oF lAtH,  
TC: iN hIs RaGe AnD hIs WrAtH,  
TC: cRiEs “Ah Ha” To ThE dEvIl.  
TC: LiKe A mAd LaD,  
TC: “pAtE tHy NaIlS, dAd.”  
TC: AdIeU, gOoDmAn DeViL.  


Exit.


	18. Act IV, Scene 3

IV.3 Enter Sebastian [TG].

TG: okay so this is the air  
TG: thats the sun  
TG: i got ten fingers ten toes  
TG: so uh preliminary investigation suggests that im still sane  
TG: sir it appears that the suspect is indeed in possession of all his senses  
TG: and whys that detective  
TG: says hes got ten toes and ten fingers sir  
TG: uh huh  
TG: anything else  
TG: yeah this random chick picked him up off the street gave him a pearl and started macking on him  
TG: also she thinks his names cesario  
TG: interesting  
TG: sir suspect also reports that hes missing his companion  
TG: whos that  
TG: antonio the sailor  
TG: they were supposed to meet up at a local establishment named after a trunked pachyderm  
TG: the sailor never showed but according to witnesses hed been there before seeking for the suspect himself  
TG: shit  
TG: i really wish antonio was here  
TG: hed help me figure this all out  
TG: because i mean something here is clearly adding up  
TG: either somethings wrong with me  
TG: or with this lady  
TG: but i mean if she was a few fruit loops short theres no way she could manage a household like this and have all the servants how you doing maam like they are  
TG: somethings rotten in the state of denmark  
TG: shit no wrong play  
TG: sorry  
Enter Olivia [AA] and Priest [GT].  
AA: okay so dont blame me for my haste  
AA: but look i got this priest  
AA: so lets go into the chapel and get married!!  
TG: wait what  
AA: dont worry its not going to be a big deal!  
AA: you wont have to tell anyone until were ready for a proper ceremony  
AA: come on what do you say  
TG: uh  
TG: well  
TG: um  
AA: come on lets go!

Exeunt.


	19. Act V, Scene 1

V.1 Enter Feste [TC] and Fabian [GC].

GC: 1 D3M4ND YOU L3T M3 S33 H1S L3TT3R  
TC: Of CoUrSe My BrOsIs FaBiAn, YoU jUsT gOtTa GrAnT mE oNe LiTtLe ThInG.  
GC: 4NYTH1NG  
TC: dOn’T bE aLl WaNtInG tO sEe ThIs LeTtEr.  
GC: >:[  
GC: YOU 4R3 4N 1MM3NS3LY FRUSTR4T1NG P3RSON  
Enter Duke [CA], Viola [TT], Curio [AG], and Lords.  
CA: are all a you part a the lady olivvias household  
TC: ThAt We SuRe ArE tHoUgH.  
CA: hey i knoww you  
CA: howws it goin  
TC: tHe BeTtEr FoR mY fOeS aNd ThE wOrSe FoR mY eNeMiEs. ;o)  
CA: i think you mean the better for your friends  
TC: nO, sIr, ThE wOrSe.  
CA: im not getting it  
TC: My FrIeNdS bE aLl PrAiSiNg Me BuT tHaT aIn’T mEaNiNg ThEy MaKe AnY mOtHeRfUcKiNg LeSs Of An AsS oUt Of Me. At LeAsT wItH mY eNeMiEs ThEy’Re AlL tElLiNg Me MoThErFuCkInG sTrAiGhT tO mY fAcE i’M a FoOl.  
CA: shit thats kinda depressin  
CA: wwell at least you wwont be the wworse for me  
CA: heres some gold  
TC: aWw ThAnKs. NoT tO bE aLl MoThErFuCkInG uNgRaTeFuL, bUt AnY cHaNcE yOu CoUlD bE mAkInG tHaT a DoUbLe?  
CA: wwoww you really dont havve any scruples do you  
TC: YoU cAn Be KeEpInG tHoSe AnD gIvInG mE tHe MoNeY.  
CA: wwhy the hell not  
CA: heres more  
TC: hAvEn’T yOu BeEn HeArInG oF tHaT sAyInG “tHiRd TiMe PaYs FoR aLl?” AlL gOoD tHiNgS aRe Up AnD mOtHeRfUcKiNg CoMiNg In ThReEs, AnD tHeRe’S tHrEe BeLlS iN sAiNt BeNnEt’S –  
CA: youre not swwindlin any more money out a me  
CA: if you wwant more go an tell your lady that im here to speak wwith her  
TC: i’M nOt AlL aS gReEdY aS MoThErFuCkInG tHaT. i’Ll GeT hEr.  
Exit. Enter Antonio [TA] and Officers [EB] and [GG].  
TT: Sir, here comes the man that so valiantly leapt to my aid.  
CA: wwait a minute i knoww you  
CA: last time i saww you you wwere the captain a a vvessel sinkin my ships an makin awway wwith all the gold  
CA: wwhat happened  
EB: count orsino, this is antonio who attacked the ship the tiger when your nephew titus lost his leg.  
EB: we arrested him in the streets.  
TT: He did charge in to defend me, but after that his speech was so confusing and distracting I’m afraid I discounted it completely.  
CA: noble pirate an saltwwater thief  
CA: wwhat brought you ovver here wwhen you did such a good job a makin us your enemies  
TA: okay fiir2t of all iim not a thiief or a piirate, ii was hiired two fiight agaiinst you.  
TA: you want two know what brought me here? wiitchcraft.   
TA: ii re2cued that boy standiing next two you from the wave2, he would have diied iif ii hadn’t 2aved hiim.  
TA: ii gave hiim hii2 liife and my love, and for hii2 2ake came iinto thii2 fuckiing awful town, defended hiim, got fuckiing arre2ted, and how doe2 he repay me?  
TA: he act2 liike he never 2aw me before iin hii2 liife and refu2e2 two giive me back the wallet ii lent hiim half an hour ago.   
TT: That’s not possible.  
CA: wwhen did he come to this town  
TA: ju2t today, he wa2 liiviing wiith me for three month2 before.   
TA: we 2pend every goddamn day and niight together, and now you pull thii2 “ii-don’t-know-you” bull2hiit? fuck you.  
Enter Olivia [AA] and Attendants.  
CA: here comes the countess  
CA: noww heavven wwalks on earth  
CA: oh yeah and youre fuckin crazy  
CA: this boys been servin me for three months noww  
CA: take him awway  
AA: all right orsino what do you want  
AA: except of course what you cant have  
AA: cesario there you are  
AA: what happened to you?  
TT: Madam?  
CA: gracious olivvia  
AA: what do you have to say for yourself?  
AA: also orsino shut up  
TT: My lord is talking, I should probably let him speak –  
AA: if hes going to be talking again about how much he loves me i dont want to hear it  
CA: still so cruel  
AA: still so constant  
CA: to wwhat  
CA: you ungrateful bitch i gavve you evverythin an you just keep brushin me aside like im nothin  
CA: wwhat the fuck am i supposed to do  
AA: whatever you want  
CA: so then wwhy shouldnt i kill you  
CA: but you knoww wwhat im reasonable  
CA: i knoww the only reason youre rejectin me is because youve got some puppy lovve crush on ces here  
CA: so guess wwhat youre not gonna see him again  
CA: wwere gonna hang out together an you can be lonely an miserable by yourself  
Going.  
TT: I – I’m sorry. Truly.  
Following.  
AA: cesario where are you going?  
TT: With my lord. I owe my loyalty to him, and no other.  
AA: how dare you! you lied to me!!  
TT: What? When?  
AA: oh really  
AA: did you forget?  
AA: has it been that long?  
AA: go fetch the priest  
Exit an Attendant.  
CA: come on ces lets go  
AA: oh yeah? where?  
AA: cesario! husband stay  
CA: husband  
AA: yes!!!  
AA: can you deny that?  
CA: her husband  
TT: No, no, I’m not, I'm really not.  
AA: are you lying because youre afraid? you dont have to!  
AA: fear not cesario  
AA: take your fortunes up!  
AA: be what you know you are  
Enter Priest [GT].  
AA: holy father! welcome  
AA: i charge you by your reverence to tell what just happened between me and this youth here  
AA: even though earlier we wanted it to be a secret  
GT: Why nothing other than a contract of eternal love confirmed by the mutual joinder of your hands attested by the holy close of lips and strengthened by the interchangement of your rings.  
GT: Since then it has been naught but two hours.  
CA: you fuckin deceiver ces  
CA: howw could you do this  
CA: howw could you betray me like this  
CA: fine go take her but i dont wwant to fuckin see you evver again  
TT: My lord, I do protest –  
AA: oh dont bother  
AA: at least try to be a little honest  
Enter Sir Andrew [AT].  
AT: sOMEONE, uHH, sEND HELP, qUICKLY!,  
AT: sIR tOBY NEEDS, a SURGEON,  
AA: whats happened???  
AT: hE HIT ME ON THE HEAD, aND sIR tOBY, tOO,  
AT: tHERE’S A LOT OF BLOOD,  
AT: oHHH, i WISH, i WAS AT HOME,  
AA: who did this?  
AT: tHE COUNT’S GENTLEMAN, cESARIO,  
AT: wE THOUGHT HE WAS A COWARD, bUT, uHHH, hE’S THE VERY DEVIL INCARNATE,  
CA: my gentleman cesario  
AT: aND HERE, hE IS!,  
AT: }:(  
AT: yOU BROKE MY HEAD, aND sIR tOBY’S,  
TT: Look, I don’t know what’s going on, but I never hurt you. You were the one who drew your sword on me without cause! I spoke fair and didn’t hurt a hair on your Paleolithic skull.  
Enter Sir Toby [CG] and Feste [TC].  
AT: nO, yOU HURT ME, mY HEAD’S BLEEDING,  
AT: lOOK, hERE COMES sIR tOBY, hE’LL TELL YOU,  
AT: iF HE HADN’T BEEN DRUNK i BET HE WOULD HAVE BEAT YOU UP,  
CA: howw is it wwith you  
CG: HOW THE *FUCK* DO YOU THINK IT IS? DO YOU SEE WHAT THIS IS ON MY HEAD? I’LL GIVE YOU A HINT – IT’S NOT FUCKING GRUBSAUCE! I’M FUCKING BLEEDING FROM MY HEAD BECAUSE OF THAT GODDAMN BASTARD ASSWIPE. DO ME A FAVOR, GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A ROTTEN PINEAPPLE, YOU FESTERING DONKEY’S GALLBLADDER.  
CG: WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SURGEON?  
TC: He’S mOtHeRfUcKiNg HaMmErEd, SiR tObY, bEeN aLl DoWn On ThE bOtTlE sInCe EiGhT iN tHe MoRnInG.  
CG: WELL, WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING THAT FOR? USELESS BOOZELORD, WHY DOESN’T HE DO SOCIETY A FAVOR AND PISS OFF.  
AA: oh for the love of god take him away  
AT: i’LL HELP, sIR tOBY,  
AT: wE CAN VISIT THE DOCTOR TOGETHER,  
CG: FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.  
AA: get him to bed  
AA: make sure his injurys looked after  
Exit Feste, Fabian, Sir Toby, and Sir Andrew. Enter Sebastian [TG].  
TG: oh shit olivia  
TG: look i am really sorry i hurt your uncle  
TG: mea culpa and all that  
TG: but look the guy and his little stooge just started throwing random punches at me i wasnt going to let them do that  
TG: it wouldnt be part of my manly dignity  
TG: what  
TG: youre giving me the stinkeye what happened  
TG: what did i fuck up now  
CA: one face one vvoice one habit an twwo persons  
CA: wwhat the hell is goin on  
TG: antonio holy hell youre all right  
TG: thank god  
TG: you have no idea how worried ive been  
TA: are you 2ebastiian?  
TG: well yeah  
TG: who else would i be  
TG: its me the one and only  
TG: why  
TA: well apparently youve dupliicated your2elf becau2e that per2on there i2 the spiit fuckiing iimage of you.  
AA: this is incredible  
TG: who   
TG: who is that  
TG: i never had a brother  
TG: and yeah im pretty godly but i still havent mastered being everywhere at once  
TG: i had a sister  
TG: but she drowned  
TG: who are you  
TG: how are you related to me  
TG: whats your name your country your parents  
TT: I am from Messaline; my father’s name was Sebastian, and so was my brother’s.   
TT: At least, that was his name until he went to his watery tomb.   
TT: Are you a ghost, or a spirit? Because if you’re trying to frighten me, it’s – well, to be quite honest, it’s working a little.  
TG: a spirit i am indeed  
TG: but im just a soul in a body  
TG: the same body ive had since birth  
TG: and if you were a girl id swear up and down that youre my sister viola  
TT: My father had a mole upon his brow.  
TG: and so did mine  
TT: And died that day when Viola from her birth had numbered thirteen years.  
TG: yeah he did  
TG: he died when we were thirteen  
TG: holy shit  
TG: you  
TG: oh my god  
TG: oh my god  
TT: No, it's just me.  
TT: I’ll take that hug though.  
TT: Yes, I’m Viola, and if any of you are in doubt there’s a sea captain in town who I can bring in to confirm it.   
TT: She’s got my dress too, come to think of it.  
TG: whoa olivia so  
TG: you fell in love with a dude  
TG: who was actually a lady  
TG: but then you married me whos actually a dude  
TG: but thought you were marrying a dude whos actually a lady  
CA: wwait looks like i might get something out a this after all  
CA: ces  
CA: i mean vvi  
CA: you kept sayin howw if you wwere goin to lovve a wwoman it wwould be one like me  
TT: Yes, I believe I said things to that effect.  
CA: givve me your hand and lets go get you a dress  
TT: Uh, sure.  
TT: The captain who brought me here has my old dress in keeping somewhere. Except – and this might be a tiny problem – she’s in custody. Apparently one of your servants, Olivia, some gentletroll named Malvolio, had her arrested.  
AA: oh my god malvolio i completely forgot about him  
AA: dont worry ill have him release her  
AA: go fetch malvolio  
Enter Feste [TC] with a letter, and Fabian [GC].  
AA: i cant believe i forgot about malvolio  
AA: i hope hes okay  
TC: He’S dOiNg As BeSt As AnY oThEr MoThErFuCkEr MiGhT dO. hErE, hErE’s A lEtTeR wHiCh He WaS aLl Up AnD wAnTiNg Me To DeLiVeR.  
AA: open it and read it  
TC: eVeRyOnE lIsTeN tO tHe MoThErFuCkInG fOoL rEaD tHe WoRdS oF a MaDmAn.  
TC: “BY THE LORD, MADAM –”  
AA: really?  
AA: dont shout like that  
TC: I’m JuSt ReAdInG iT lIkE a CrAzY pErSoN wOuLd.  
AA: fabian you read it  
GC: “BY TH3 LORD, M4D4M, YOU WRONG M3, 4ND TH3 WORLD SH4LL KNOW 1T. 4LTHOUGH YOU H4V3 PUT M3 1NTO D4RKN3SS, 4ND G1V3N YOUR DRUNK3N COUSIN R3IN OV3R M3, 1 H4V3 MY S3NS3S 4S W3LL 4S YOUR L4DYSH1P.  
GC: “1 H4V3 YOUR L3TT3R WH1CH C4US3D M3 TO 4CT 1N TH3 W4Y 1 D1D, 4ND WH1CH 1S PROOF TH4T 1 4M R1GHT 4ND YOU 4RE WRONG. TH1NK OF M3 4S YOU PL34S3, 1 W1LL FORG3T MY DUTY TO 41R MY GR13V4NC3S.  
GC: “TH3 M4DLY US3D M4LVOL1O.”  
TG: boy im glad we didnt have the clown read it  
TG: that just would have been way too loud  
AA: did malvolio write this  
TC: He SuRe As MoThErFuCkInG dId.  
CA: doesnt sound like a crazy person  
AA: someone please let him out of wherever hes been shut up  
AA: fabian bring him here  
Exit Fabian.  
AA: look orsino  
AA: instead of thinking of me as a wife think of me as a sister  
AA: and we can have an alliance between our two houses  
CA: sure all right  
CA: im a gracious kind a guy  
CA: vvi im sorry im goin to havve to fire you  
CA: after all wwhat you did just isnt proper  
CA: runnin around in mens clothes an servin me  
CA: but i tell you wwhat ill do to make up for it  
CA: ill marry you  
AA: yes  
AA: we can be sisters, at least!  
Enter Fabian [GC] with Malvolio [CT].  
CA: is this the madtroll  
AA: the same  
AA: malvolio how are you  
CT: D --> Madam, you have done me wrong  
AA: no i havent  
AA: how so?  
CT: D --> Lady, you have  
CT: D --> 100k at this letter, you can’t deny that this is your handwriting and your seal  
CT: D --> So tell me why you wrote this to me, praised me so, ordered me to come smiling and %-gartered with b100 stockings, only to have me locked up, tormented, visited by the priest, and made the subject of amoosment for all your servants  
CT: D --> Tell me why  
AA: oh malvolio  
AA: this isnt my handwriting  
AA: its very similar to it but maria wrote this letter  
AA: in fact come to think of it she was the one who told me you were mad in the first place  
AA: i think someones played a practical joke on you  
AA: and once we find out who you can get your justice  
GC: GOOD M4D4M, H34R M3 SP34K  
GC: 1 MOST FR33LY CONF3SS TH4T S1R TOBY 4ND 1 S3T TH1S PR4NK ON M4LVOL1O IN R3V3NG3 FOR SOM3 OFF3NS3 H3 H4D G1V3N US  
GC: M4R14 WROT3 TH3 L3TT3R, 4ND S1R TOBY W4S SO 1MPR3SS3D BY 1T TH4T H3 H4S NOW M4RR13D H3R  
GC: 1 SUGG3T W3 4LL LOOK 4T TH1S 1NC1D3NT 4S 4 C4US3 FOR L4UGHT3R, NOT 4NG3R  
GC: 4FT3R 4LL, TH3R3 4R3 1NJUR3D P4RT13S ON BOTH S1D3S  
AA: poor malvolio  
AA: i bet youre not laughing  
TC: oHhHh YeAh I wAs PaRt Of ThIs ToO. i WaS tHe MoThErFuCkInG fAtHeR tOpAs, HaHaHa.  
TC: I’m NoT uP aNd BeInG sOrRy, MoThErFuCkEr, I sTiLl HaVeN’t FoRgOtTeN wHaT yOu SaId AbOuT mE aNd ThE MoThErFuCkInG nAmEs YoU wErE cAlLiNg Me.  
CT: D --> I’ll be revenged on the whole herd of you  
Exit.  
AA: he really has been badly treated  
CA: you gotta send someone after him an givve him an offer a peace  
CA: he still hasnt said anythin about vvis sea captain friend  
CA: as soon as wwe havve the dress wwe can get married  
CA: ces come here  
CA: heh i guess ill call you that until start bein a wwoman again  
CA: my one true lovve

THE END –

TG: wait wait wait  
TG: thats it?  
Well, yes. That’s where the play ends.  
TG: so everything gets squared off and tied with a neat heterosexual bow  
TG: just like that?  
TT: Considering Sebastian and Olivia hardly know each other, it seems unreasonable to expect them to look forward to a lifetime of marital bliss.  
TG: yeah  
TG: like i may look like viola but im not her fucking clone  
AA: exactly  
AA: sebastian no offense  
AA: im sure youre a great guy!  
AA: but i fell in love with your sister not you  
TG: oh yeah no offense taken  
TG: i mean same thing youre one hell of a dame  
TG: but sparky the sailor and i kind of have a thing going on  
Look, I get what you guys are saying, I really do. But Shakespeare couldn’t end this play with gay couples ending up together.  
TG: why not  
Well, for one thing, Elizabethan England wasn’t known for its LGBQT friendly policies. Theater was seen as risqué and immoral enough as it is, and that was without throwing explicit homosexuality into the mix.  
TA: wa2n’t 2hake2peare bii?  
Most likely, yes –  
TT: And the audiences can’t have been all that against it, everyone on stage was male.  
TG: wait  
TG: so when romeo and juliet are macking on each other  
TG: that was two dudes making out on stage?  
TT: Yup.  
TG: yeah so how come me and tony hooking up is such a big deal  
I don’t know, I suppose it was the pretense that mattered.  
AA: look  
AA: regardless of what was taboo when shakespeare wrote the play  
AA: the same rules hardly apply now  
TG: yeah come on this is the 21st century  
TG: if two dudes cant get it on with each other on stage in front of a bunch of people then where can they  
Fair enough. Carry on.  
TG: right  
TG: well olivia you can get that priest back and undo our marriage or whatever right?  
AA: yup!  
TG: okay so well do that  
TG: and then antonio and i are gonna hoist a few sails  
TG: if you know what i mean  
TG: right tony?  
TA: ii hate you.   
TG: nah you dont  
TT: Well, this does leave me with a decision, doesn’t it.  
CA: wwait wwait wwait  
CA: vvi  
CA: vvi dont leavve me  
CA: i really do lovve you   
CA: i knoww i said a lot a crap earlier about wwomen not lovin as wwell as men  
TT: Yes, I remember that vividly.  
CA: an howw olivvia wwas the lovve a my life  
TT: I remember that too.  
CA: but i didnt mean it  
TT: See, here’s the thing. You’ve never expressed any interest in me until you found out that I had a vagina.  
CA: not true  
CA: i liked you before  
TT: But were you going to do anything about it?  
CA: probably not  
CA: look im straight okay i dont go for dudes  
CA: an i thought you wwere one  
TT: I repeat – you’re only interested in me because I’m now a girl.  
CA: i mean i wwas interested in you before  
TT: Were you?  
CA: i  
CA: yeah  
CA: come on i thought you liked me  
TT: I will admit to harboring a girlish crush, I admit.   
TT: But thanks to today’s events and the light of your inner douche shining through, it's remarkably easy to get over it.  
CA: aww come on  
CA: please  
TT: Lady Olivia.  
AA: yes  
TT: Will you forgive my earlier reluctance and failure to recognize your many admirable qualities?  
AA: yes!  
TT: And have your feelings about me changed in regards to my now-revealed gender?  
AA: nope!  
TT: Well, that settles it then, doesn’t it.   
TT: I’m going with her.  
CA: vvi wwhy  
AA: well come on  
AA: looks like ive got a wedding to plan  
AA: a real one this time!  
TT: Yes, we’ll have to get that first one annulled, won’t we.  
AA: oh dont worry about it  
AA: that priest owes me a favor or two  
AA: so anyway as far as colors go i was thinking red and black  
Exit  Olivia and Viola.  
TG: well  
TG: thats a thing that just happened  
TG: hey youre not mad at me are you  
TG: come on i didnt actually do anything  
TA: no, iim not mad.   
TA: hone2tly iim ju2t reliieved that everythiing2 workiing out all riight and iim not goiing to prii2on.  
TG: yeah same  
TG: man i am never getting on another ship again.  
Exeunt all but Feste.  
TC: WhEn ThAt I wAs AnD a LiTtLe TiNy BoY,  
TC: wItH a HeY, hO, tHe WiNd AnD tHe RaIn,  
TC: A fOoLiSh ThInG wAs BuT a ToY,  
TC: fOr ThE rAiN iT rAiNeTh EvErY dAy.  
TC: BuT wHeN i CaMe To MaN’s EsTaTe,  
TC: WiTh HeY, hO, tHe WiNd AnD tHe RaIn,  
TC: ‘GaInSt KnAvEs AnD tHiEvEs MeN sHuT tHeIr GaTe,  
TC: FoR tHe RaIn It RaInEtH eVeRy DaY.  
TC: a GrEaT wHiLe AgO tHe WoRlD bEgAn,  
TC: wItH hEy, Ho, ThE wInD aNd ThE rAiN;  
TC: bUt ThAt’S aLl OnE, oUr PlAy Is DoNe,  
TC: AnD wE’lL sTrIvE tO pLeAsE yOu EvErY dAy.

Exit.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all VERY much for reading! I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it. And I will say this now, as far as coming attractions goes - I've got one more planned, and after that I don't really know, although in all likelihood I may have to spend more time on real-life stuff (like, God willing, a job).
> 
> What is this next play, you ask? Well, as far as that goes, I have only one word to say.
> 
> OTHELLO.


End file.
